


Spring

by merthurkdramas_101



Series: Spring [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Arthur is a dad, F/F, F/M, Gwaine is a freeloader, Hurts So Good, Leon is a kid, M/M, Merlin is a teenage genius, Morgana is an adopted teenager, Public Sex, So Married, Top Arthur, Top Merlin, Uther is dead, Will also dies, also Bottom merlin, but also bottom arthur, but is Arthur's best friend, but there is lots of sex, butterflies are a thing at the end, this is really a feel good/make you feel really sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:53:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7166408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurkdramas_101/pseuds/merthurkdramas_101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Genius 15-year-old Merlin Emrys has the biggest and most pathetic crush on his college classmate Arthur Pendragon. He’s perfect in every single way while Merlin is a nerd, and never in his life would he think that Arthur would notice him. Flash forward 9 years later: Arthur has a son from his ex-girlfriend, a broken family, and a heart longing for something he can’t put his finger on. Guess who walks into his life to fix all that?</p>
<p>In which Morgana is adopted, Leon is eight-years-old but so not eight-years-old, Gwaine is there to keep Arthur sane, and Merlin is doing his best to fix what he can. While he can.</p>
<p>Based off of two amazing Indian movies: Kal Ho Naa Ho and Pyaar Impossible</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spring

**Author's Note:**

> PS- I’m so sorry for this really long text post….
> 
> Have I ever told y’all how much I love you??? cause I do. It blows my mind when I see that three of my six stories have ovER A THOUSAND HITSS!!!! Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that my stories would get so much attention. So I want to thank all of you for making me so happy and for all of your support and comments and love. 
> 
> I also wanted to say thank to a few people who told me I should have more confidence in myself. It’s taken me a while to get to this point—hell the first story I posted, I was sweating and cursing and pacing before I actually hit ‘publish’, but I can say now that I’m proud of this story. And I know there will be some parts that might make some people cringe and critique (which is fine! I don’t mind at all! I love constructive criticism!), I’ll be proud of those parts regardless. Because at least I finished something I started. And that’s something new :3
> 
> Well, here’s “Spring”! It’s not as long as I thought it would be lolol but I still think its one of the hardest fics I’ve worked on. It’s based on two Indian movies I’ve watched countless times because they’re quirky and beautiful and hurt my heart so good. If you guys are ever in the mood for quirky but very angsty and tear-jerking Bollywood movies, please check them out! Pyaar Impossible (Impossible Love) and Kal Ho Naa Ho (There May or May Not be Tomorrow)—rough translations—are just two of my MANY favorite Bollywood movies. I am 1/3 Indian, just in case anyone was wondering how in the hell I came across these movies.
> 
> Most of the story is based off of Kal Ho Naa Ho, but the beginning half of it is based off of Pyaar Impossible. I really hope y’all like the story, and I’m sorry in advance if you hate me for the ending. Sorry, no spoilers. Guess y’all have to read it till the end XP <3333
> 
> DISCLAIMERS (sorry I forgot them on the last story!): I do not own the Merlin characters or the Indian movies I have used as a baseline for this story. There are some quotes, scenes and lines that I have taken from the movie, but they are not 100% word for word…I think. 
> 
> Also, the medical issues dealt with in this fic are probably not at all accurate, so please excuse me for that.
> 
> WARNINGS: There is mention of a suicide, so for anyone who is triggered by this, please skip over what you can’t read. Also, there will be angst. It’s my first angsty story, so I don’t know how angsty this will actually be to y’all…but just beware. I think it’s pretty angsty. I cried a lot writing this.

~~~M~~~

Merlin Emrys is Avalon University’s crack. No one can function without him, and once they’ve had him, they can’t get enough. And because of it, he can afford the luxuries in life. Like…like…something luxurious. Merlin wouldn’t know where to even begin, to be honest. He’s been poor since his father left and passed on him and his poor mother his fuck-ton of debts.  

But he shakes his head, willing not to think about his good-for-nothing father as he makes his way to Sophia, the most popular girl at Avalon. Merlin holds up his head high and sticks out his chest just a bit, because he is, after all, all that. Hell, he may even be more important than Sophia. Everyone fucking knows his name!

“Ah, Marvin! I was wondering when I would be seeing you. My essay is due next class. You have it?”

Okay…so maybe not _every_ one knows his name…

“Yeah, right here.” He hands her the 20-page masterpiece on the sociology of the book _Room_ and she hands him the $100 payment.

“Thank you so much Marvin. The whole campus would be lost without you.” She pats his cheek, and Merlin so much wants to punch her in the face. Not that, you know, he could actually punch someone. He’d probably shatter his hand. He has no muscles what-so-ever, you see.

Yes, Merlin Emrys is not popular. Maybe a popular walk-over rug that passes under almost half of the school’s feet, but no, not cool enough to hang out with Sophia, or more importantly, Arthur.

Merlin’s rubbing his cheek, willing Sophia’s disgustingly sweet perfume to come off of him, when he hears squeals and shouts of “Arthur!” all around him.

He turns around at once and watches the hottest boy in the world, Arthur Pendragon, float down the stairs in his skin tight jeans and red V-neck making his way towards Merlin. He smiles as Arthur laughs at something his friend Gwaine-the-school-slut says, crooked teeth shining in the bright California sun. He looks like a Sun God with his blond hair radiating a glow around his whole body and blue eyes shining. He’s absolutely perfect.

Of course, when he does reach Merlin, Arthur completely ignores him and heads straight to Sophia, kissing the living daylights out of her in front of the whole fucking school. Remember, Merlin is literally nobody. He’s even more of a nobody to Arthur, who is perfect in looks, school, and sports. The Perfect Trinity that’s not supposed to exist.

The first time Merlin met Arthur was at Freshman orientation. He was in line to get papers or something, when what do you know, he was pushed aside by none other than Sophia and fell back into Arthur. His hands flexed around Merlin’s waist, catching him, and when he craned his neck backwards to say sorry, Merlin was staring into Arthur’s beautiful fucking neon blue eyes.

“You all right, mate?”

Merlin nodded because his tongue was stuck to the non-existent peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. That conveniently shows up whenever he’s nervous. Damn you, peanut butter.

“Good,” Arthur said. “Excuse me, miss. You need to be careful of the people behind you.”

When Sophia turned around to face Arthur, her eyes widened and Merlin could hear Arthur’s intake of breath at how beautiful she was. Because no matter how annoying and bitchy she really is, Sophia is gorgeous.

And that’s that.

He watches the power couple for a moment longer, focusing on just Arthur and how it would feel to kiss him. His hands are brushing back Sophia’s hair, eyes shut gently, mouth curved into a little smile—like he’s actually happy to be kissing her.

And then, Sophia starts making noises and Merlin feels like puking, so he turns away before they convene their soppy looks at each other. It’s like most people look at puppies! All the fucking adoration. Not that Merlin hates puppies. No. Merlin Emrys, uncool and not funny genius, loves puppies, kittens, and anything else that’s furry and cute. And dicks. Especially dicks. Not that he’s had any. He _is_ only 15, after all.

He’s also a second-year in college while Arthur is 20 and in the same year. And even though he’s the smartest thing since Einstein (or so his best mate, Will, tells him), he chooses to channel his genius into writing—one of the most least efficient majors in college (or so his mother tells him).

But he’s happy doing what he’s doing. He’s written two books so far, one about poetry and one a gay-romance novel. Both of which are currently not in a publishing house of any sort because…well, he doesn’t know. His professors keep telling him he has potential and love his work, but…

“Oi! Merlin! Get your head out of the fucking clouds and come on already,” says Will, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Merlin rolls his eyes as he makes his way over to his only best friend in the world. Will is also 20-years-old and a second-year. They met last year in Calculus. They sat next to each other and didn’t say a word until after the first test. Will looked over his 62% and compared it to Merlin’s 102%, swung his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and said, “Let’s be best mates, yeah?” Merlin, who didn’t have all that many friends at college yet (read: none) rolled his eyes but obliged. His mother would be so happy.

They got on really well, and to Will, Merlin’s age and sexuality was no problem. They did loads of things together, but they mostly played video games, watched movies, and sometimes even did homework, but anyway. They were best friends. The first one Merlin’s ever had.

“Stop drooling over Arthur, Merlin. He’s as straight as a pole, which is conveniently what is stuck up his ass most of the time. You could do loads better.”

Merlin rolls his eyes again. He wonders how they’re still in his head even after two years of being friends with Will.

“I wasn’t thinking about Arthur. I—” but Merlin is cut off by a hand slapping him on the forehead.

“What the hell, Will?! Ow!”

“Are you sick or something? Terminal illness? About to die from dehydration? Malnourished, perhaps? May be that—you’re as thin as a twig.”

“What are you going on about, Will? I’m perfectly fine.”

“You’re never _not_ thinking about Pendragon. What’s with you?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. I just heard from Professor Gaius that Sidhe Publishing rejected my novel and poetry book. They said it was too _gay._ What’s gay about love, may I ask? Love is fucking all around; fucking everywhere!”

“Merlin…you do realize that you write _gay_ poetry and fiction novels, right?”

Merlin blinks. “Y-yeah. But it doesn’t even show in my poetry! It’s just love! I don’t even say ‘dick’ or ‘cock’!”

“That must’ve been hard on you, mate. But Merlin, they know you’re a guy, and the fact that you’re writing about a guy is not so covert. Maybe use a girly pen name? Maybe that’ll help you.”

“But that’s...” His eyes widen as he realizes that it’s actually a good idea. “How the fuck did you come up with that? That’s brilliant!” Then he smacks his hand across Will’s forehead, though he has to lean up on tip-toes because Will is taller than him.

“Are _you_ all right? You’ve come up with a brilliant idea! Does your brain hurt? Do you feel like you’re going to fall over?”

Will shoves his hand off but laughs all the same. “Oh, shut up, Merlin. I need help with Math Theory.”

Merlin smiles as they walk off to the library so he can explain the mathematical theories to Will for the fourth time this week. He’ll probably explain it again tomorrow.

***

Merlin stares at his watch after he finishes mopping the floor of the coffee shop he works in. He’s had the last shift for the last three days. They close at 11pm, but he leaves work at 12:30 because of clean up. It’s not too bad, and since the weekend only just started, it’s been pretty quiet. It’s usually always rowdy until closing because of the exams and papers everyone has.

He locks the door to the shop, pulls his hood over his head and starts walking in the chilly air back to campus. He smiles as he stares up at the black sky. It’s been cloudy the past few weeks, but tonight, the sky is clear and Merlin can make out the Milky Way glittering. It’s so beautiful, and if he sheds a few tears because of it, no one’s around to see.

His thoughts about the never-ending Space are broken when he hears his own earth-based Milky Way coursing through his ginormous ears.

“Hey, Gwaine! Watch this!” It’s Arthur. Merlin slows down his pace, so much so that the few people walking behind him grunt and go around him, knocking him on the shoulder.

Merlin smiles as he watches Arthur get up on the curb and try and balance while he’s completely pissed, a not-so-pissed Gwaine right at his side, making sure he doesn’t break anything.

He watches as Arthur turns on his tip-toes, fist pumps the air and jumps off the curb, falling back into Gwaine only to run off again.

“Arthur, come back here! You’re fucking wasted. Anything you say is cool is not _actually_ cool.”

“No, but watch! I saw it in a movie once. Fucking ace.”

And what do you know, Gwaine’s actually right for once. Merlin watches Arthur close his glazed blue eyes as he steps over the sidewalk to walk into the middle of the street. Eyes closed, arms stretched out like he’s on the _Titanic._ And of course it’s fucking then that a fucking 18-wheeler decides to pass through the otherwise deserted road. So without thinking, Merlin runs into Arthur as fast as he can and tackles him to the other side of the road. He oomph’s as he hits the ground, hand cradling Arthur’s head so it doesn’t hit the road hard. He hears something shatter and feels needles and daggers prodding at his hand. His right hand. The hand he writes with. Well, shit.

“Arthur! Oh my God!” Gwaine’s voice draws nearer as he reaches them.

“Marvin, right?”

No. “Yeah.”

“Thanks so much for saving him. You all right, mate?”

No. “Yeah, fine.”

Arthur groans and flops on top of Merlin. His eyes open slightly, and Merlin can’t help but gasp as his eyes open to reveal a deep, radiating cobalt color.

“U-um. Hi.” There’s the fucking peanut butter again.

“Who’re you?”

Merlin knows Arthur doesn’t know who he is, but he still hoped and prayed that by some miracle when they finally met face to face, Arthur would somehow know his name.

He takes a deep breath and is about to answer when suddenly, the cold hits him again, Arthur’s warm body being pulled off of his.

“Thanks again, Marvin. I’ll take it from here,” Gwaine says as he throws Arthur’s arm around his shoulder and leads him off.

“Merlin. I’m Merlin,” he whispers to nobody.

***

Merlin goes into class the next day with a doctor’s note for his professors and a bandage on his hand. He’s broken at least five bones and can’t write for about a month. Classes are gonna be hell. Thankfully, though, he has Will to take notes for him.

“I can’t believe that fucking prat broke your hand,” Will says as they walk out of Math Theory.  

Or maybe not. Because when Will hands him the notes, there are three and a half pages of drawings of dicks and ‘Arthur is a prick’ written all over them. Well, at least Merlin know why Will can’t do math.

“It’s not his fault, Will. I’ve seen you do stupider things while you’re drunk.”

“I can’t believe you’re defending him! You said he didn’t even know who you were!”

“Will, there are a lot of people at this school and I’m guessing there’s probably more than a handful of them that don’t know who I am.”

Will sighs. “You’re so in love with him, it’s ridiculous, mate.”

“I’m not—It’s not—I’m—no.”

But Will laughs at Merlin’s lack of response. “It’s all right. I won’t tell anyone. You have your poems that make people uncomfortable with how much you love him, anyway. I’m sure half the school knows that you love him.”

“I’m like, 98% sure the people here don’t read the bulletins.”

“So…you’re going to start posting about gay sex and see if you can get away with it?”

Merlin smacks his arm. “Will! Can you please, for like five minutes, _not_ talk about sex?!”

“How do you _not_ talk about sex! You’re five years younger than me and haven’t brought it up _once._ Do you not know what to do?”

Merlin falls on his face after tripping over nothing and Will has a stomachache the next day from laughing so hard.

*******

Soon, spring term starts and February finally bleeds into March, and March becomes April; the perfect time of year. It’s not too cold, not too rainy and literally perfect weather. April is, however, coming to a close, which means midterms/final exams and essays, which means Merlin is busier than ever copying notes, writing essays and tutoring college folk. He’s up till nearly four every morning, and he needs a break from all the work he’s been doing. Merlin guesses so does Arthur.

It’s been rumored that Arthur got Sophia pregnant and he’s planning on proposing to her. When Merlin heard the news, he and Will went on a weekend binge of video games and beers (Merlin couldn’t hold more than one and a half). By the end of it, he looked as if he was high the whole weekend; eyes red from crying. Not that it mattered, of course. As if Arthur would ever look at Merlin. As if Arthur was actually gay. It still hurt, though.  

Will and Merlin walk out of Math Theory for the day while Will explains his theory about why their professor, Dr. Gates, wears one color. Merlin rolls his eyes—it’s been a topic of discussion since the beginning of the year. Suddenly, though, Merlin isn’t listening. He sees Arthur walking to his dorm, frown plastered on his face and pace too fast to be normal. He waves bye to Will and follows Arthur. Merlin stops around the bend from what he assumes is Arthur’s room, and he hears hushed whispers that sound melancholy. So naturally, he walks closer so he can make out what’s being said.

“...can’t be. He came around just last month to visit. We went out! Shopping, museums and all. He was happy. He can’t be dead, mum.”

“Arthur, please don’t make this harder for me. He left a note…and…he loved you. He loved all of us, but…” There was sniffling and the sounds of sobs, and Merlin felt his heart clench at what was happening.

“The funeral is in two days, Arthur, and we need you home. The café is going to be closed for a while, and I can’t work by myself with our maid gone and Morgana and your aunt. We… _I_ need you home, Arthur. Please.”

He hears more crying and hugging, when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“What the hell are you doing here?” It’s Gwaine.

“Oh, um…I came to…see if Arthur was okay! Yeah. How’s his head? From all that time ago. Head injuries take a while to heal, you know.”

Gwaine sighs, but there’s a small smile on his face. “You know, for such a smart kid, you’re a terrible liar. Your face is covered in tears and snot.”

Merlin reaches up to his face and finds that Gwaine is right again. Well, fuck.

Gwaine sighs. “Look, thanks for helping that time, but right now, as you heard, Arthur is going through a tough time. Please leave. I’ll let him know you stopped by.”

“Yeah, fine. Tell him—tell him I’m sorry for his loss.”

Gwaine frowns a bit, eyes watering as he hears a particularly loud sob from someone inside, and nods at Merlin, disappearing into the room.

Merlin sniffles as he turns around and heads to the bathroom. He washes his face and heads out of Castle Hall, the poshest dorms on campus, and heads to Peasant’s Corner, an on-campus pub. He can’t buy alcohol, so he settles for the next best thing—soda. Sugar always gets him mopey and sad, though it’s supposed to have the opposite effect. He downs six tall glasses of Coca Cola and heads out, stumbling over like a drunk man. He sees Arthur and a beautiful lady with blond hair, who he assumes is Arthur’s mother, packing up a moving van. They’re not speaking, but their shoulders are hunched over as they close the back of the van and head to their seats.

As Merlin watches them drive away, he feels a part of him fall into the rain puddles that are forming at his feet. He can’t tell the difference between the water and his tears as he wipes his face again.

“Goodbye, Arthur.”

____________________________

**_Nine Years Later_ **

~~~A~~~

 

“Come on, Leon! Get up! The sitter should be here any minute and I’ve got a meeting to run to today!”

“Don’t go, Dad! Pleaaase? It’s a half-day today! Stay and play with me!”

Arthur looks at his 8-year-old son and watches his blue eyes grow wide and wet. With fake tears. Arthur _knows_ they’re fake. He thinks about how like his mother he is. Such a manipulative little bastard but cute when he wants to be. He chuckles to himself as he imagines how smart his son is going to be, working everything to his advantage.

“Leon, you know we’ve talked about this. Your grandmother is busy with Morgana, Auntie Alice and the restaurant. And you know how slow it is there. I need to take care of everyone, bud.”

Leon pouts and Arthur holds his breath as he sees the tears forming in his eyes. They’re real this time.

“B-but daddy! Percy’s dad picks him up everyday! And he laughs at me when the _sitter_ picks me up! They make fun of me that I don’t have a mommy.”

His lips are trembling, so Arthur immediately squats down in front of his son, light-brown hair still rumpled from his bed and sleep in the corner of his blue eyes. He’s still got his Spiderman pajamas on, and he looks so young and vulnerable that Arthur wants nothing but to stay and cuddle with his son all day.

He cups Leon’s head in his large palms. “Hey. The other kids at your school don’t know how cool I am, do they?”

As Leon looks up at him, Arthur wipes away the tears that fall down his face. Leon gives him a tiny smile, so he goes on.

“I bet their dads aren’t as cool as me. How about this. If you stick with your sitter today, I promise I’ll pick you up from school all week next week.”

“Really?!”

“Yes, really! Do I ever break a promise, bud?”

“No.”

“Exactly.” Arthur backs away from Leon a bit and sticks out his hand. Leon smiles as he takes his hand and shakes it, leans forward, then bops Arthur on the forehead—their secret handshake.

“There we go, bud. Now go get changed. They should be here any minute.”

Leon runs to his room to get ready for school while Arthur walks down the stairs of their townhouse, puts the coffee on and gets Leon’s backpack together.

Arthur Pendragon, 29-years-old, is a single father working to support his family, which consists of his son, his mother and aunt, adopted sister Morgana, and best friend/freeloader Gwaine. He’s the President of a large corporation in London and makes a lot, but he still has to work hard to be able to keep his position.

He’s been the President of Camelot Financial for the past 6 years—he was promoted after working there for 3 years as a manager. If his father’s previous connections and name had anything to do with the promotion, he didn’t care. He had his family to take care of. And he’d do anything for them—even if they were all a pain in his ass. Except for his son.

His mother, Ygraine, was widowed 9 years ago. It was a tough time for his family. Since then, things had been strained between his mother and his father, Uther’s sister, Alice. They always had an air of tension when Uther was around, but after his death, Alice blamed Ygraine for it because she’d adopted, who is now, an adorable 16-year-old girl named Morgana. Alice called her a curse on their family and practically ignored her.

Ygraine, of course, always treated Morgana with extra love and care, but sometimes, Arthur wondered if there was something deeper in their relationship. Something no one knew but them. There would be days where his mother would just sit at home, completely ignoring her café business, staring at the window after reading a letter marked “Private and Confidential”. Arthur always tried to get a hold of one, but Ygraine would always burn them after reading them, which made Arthur suspicious of what it was his mother was hiding from them all. She’s not usually one to hide anything, but…

Arthur shakes his head as he hears the doorbell ring. He always gets carried away on a moping streak whenever he thinks about his life.

“Leon, come on! The sitter’s here to take you to school!”

“Coming, dad!”

“Thank you so much for coming last minute. I thought the agency wouldn’t have anyone. I thought I would be able to take him to school today, but there was another meeting and—”

“No worries, sir. I am George. I will be taking Master Leon to school and polish the house clean for you.”

“Right. Um...I’m Arthur.”

“Yes, I know, Master Arthur. Any particular type of polish you would like? Polishing is my favorite, you see.”

Arthur blinks at George, confused as to what in the hell to say to that.

“Ready, dad!” Leon says from behind him.

Arthur turns and helps Leon into his backpack. “Now remember, Leon. Be a good boy for George today, and I’ll take you to and from school all week next week, all right?”

“Yes, dad. I know.”

“Good. Now give me a hug. I’ve got to run.”

Arthur squats down and gives his son a tight hug. “Love you, bud.”

“Love you too, dad.”

Arthur pulls back and bops his forehead with Leon, stands up and walks out.

“If you need anything George, don’t hesitate to call!” he yells over his shoulder. He doesn’t hear a reply, though, because he shuts his door and zooms out of the driveway. He’s two minutes late.

***

“Arthur Pendragon,” he says as he answers his phone.

“SIR! I need you to come home this instant. Please! Your son, he’s—”

Arthur’s getting his coat on as he says, “I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

He sprints out of his office, ignoring the protests of his PA and stares from his employees. His son’s in trouble.

He makes it back to his house in 6 minutes, without any tickets, and trips out of the car to make it to his door.

“George? Leon! What’s wrong? What’s happe—”

Arthur stops stock still in the doorway as he sees George held down to the floor with duct tape and his face covered with marker.

“…George?”

“Sir! Thank God! I’ve tried to be gentle with your son, but he is an absolute monster! Please, cut me loose and let me go. I’ve never been treated so violently by a child!”

“George, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, but please, I need you to stay. At least for two more hours! I have another meeting in an hour!” Arthur begs as he cuts George free.

“Two hours?! That’s ridiculous! I can’t do this, Arthur. I’m sorry. The agency said your son was a beast, but I didn’t think he was so preposterous. Please excuse me.”

George elbows Arthur out of the way as he tries to run out of the house.

This is the eleventh nanny. In two months.

“LEON JAMES PENDRAGON! Come here. NOW.”

Leon comes out from the kitchen, soft smile on his face, eyes full of mischief. Arthur grinds his teeth and takes in at least five breaths so he doesn’t yell at his son. _Just_ like his mother.

“Leon. What, exactly, did you do to poor George?”

“He was so boring, dad! He tried to tell me jokes about cleaning! And he laughed like a pig! He made snorting sounds.” Leon giggles as he imitates George’s laugh.

“So you duct taped him to the floor and colored on his face? Leon, where are you learning all of this?! This is the eleventh nanny that you’ve had! Eleventh! What do you not understand about the fact that I need you to stay at home while I work?”

“Daddy, I just want to spend time with you. You’re so busy and it’s like…you don’t want to spend time with me.” Leon looks down at the floor, and Arthur nearly gives up. He hates upsetting Leon. He sighs and kneels down in front of him.

“Leon, that’s not true at all. I love you. You _know_ that, don’t you?”

Leon sniffs and nods his head softly.

“I miss you too, Leon, and I want more than anything to spend all day with you. But you can’t keep doing this. I need to work. I need to take care of Gran and Auntie Alice and Sissy. And you. Most importantly you. You want that guitar, right?”

Leon’s pout grows wider, but he nods his head. Arthur lifts his chin up.

“Hey, I’m trying my best to make you happy, Leon. But I need your help. I need someone I can trust to take care of you while I’m trying to help everyone. I’m still all yours on the weekends, right? We still go to the zoo and play pretend Rock Band, right?”

A few tears fall from his son’s eyes, but it’s Leon that wipes Arthur’s tears from his face.

“I love you, Leon. But I gotta work for us.”

“I’m sorry, daddy. Really.”

Arthur kisses his forehead, then bops it. “I know, bud. I know.”

Arthur stands up and leads Leon to the kitchen so he can make lunch for him while he calls the agency, again, for another babysitter.

“Nanny Magic, this is Penelope! How can I be of service today?”

“Hey Penelope, it’s Arthur.”

“Oh…”

“Look, Pen. I…”

“Arthur, I’m going to be honest with you. There is no one in my agency who doesn’t know about how much trouble your kid is. Absolutely _no one_ is willing to work with him. Leon even managed to get rid of Nimueh! She’s our best!”

“I know, I know, but please, Pen. I’ve talked to him. I just need someone for a couple hours. I’ve got a really important meeting, and I really need someone.”

He hears her sigh through the phone. “I’m not promising anything, but if someone wants to come, they’ll be there by 2:15.”

“Thank you so much, Pen.”

“This is the last time, Arthur. I’m banning you from our agency. I’m sorry, but I can’t have all my sitters thinking every child is like yours.”

“I—I’m sorry, Penelope.”

“I’m sorry too.”

The line clicks and Arthur stares helplessly at the phone. Has his son really been that out of control?

“Leon, don’t you dare throw out your broccoli,” he says as he eyes his watch. It’s 1:45pm right now. He really hopes the nanny gets here on time.

***

They’re 10 minutes into the movie _Big Hero 6_ when the doorbell rings again. Arthur sneaks a peek at his watch as he walks towards the door. It’s exactly 2:15. Perfect.

“Oh my God, thank you so much for coming over. I don’t know what I’d do without you! Leon’s in—”

Arthur stares at the man he opened the door for. He’s…he’s so _young_.

“You’re…the sitter?”

The man blinks. “Uh…”

He may be a little gangly and completely incapable to handle Leon, never mind the fact that he looks like he’s 17, but Arthur’s desperate. “Never mind. It’s no problem that you look like _you_ need to be babysat. Come on. I’ll introduce you to Leon.”

He grabs the man’s arm, which has more muscle than he expected, and pulls him into the TV room where Leon is cuddled up to his stuffed animal, Ray the Tiger.

“Leon, this is your new sitter.”

Leon looks up from where Baymax is ripping tape from the police officer’s desk and starts laughing. “But dad! I could so take him!”

“Hey! Now just a second, you two! I happ—,” the man starts to say.

“Really, Leon? Do you remember what we promised?”

Leon rolls his eyes but gets up anyway to shake the new man’s hand.

“My name is Leon Pendragon. I’m eight-years-old and I’m in first grade.”

The new guy stares at Leon, then back at Arthur, who motions for him to introduce himself to Leon.

“Um, hello, Leon. I’ll be your new… _sitter._ ”

“Great. Now that you know each other, Leon, please be good to him. I’ve got to run fo—”

His phone rings, and he turns around, motioning for the guy to follow him as he answers. “Yes, Mithian. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Something came up with Leon. Yes, I know. Hold on one second, yeah?”

He turns around, startling the man in front of him. He comes toe-to-toe with him and frowns a bit when he finds that he’s a little bit shorter than the new sitter. But he goes on anyway. He knows he’s intimidating when he wants to be.

“If I find out that you hurt my son in _any_ way, I will personally see to it that your life is made into a living hell. Got that?”

The guy swallows and nods, so Arthur nods back satisfied. “I’ll be back around 5pm. Make sure he does his homework.”

He walks out the door and is in his car while talking over the points of the meeting with Mithian, his PA, on the phone. When he’s finishing the paperwork after his meeting, it’s then he realizes that he never got the name of the guy who’s taking care of his kid. Well, fuck.

***

Arthur stomps more than walks into his house that night, but immediately regrets it when he sees Leon and The Kid sitting around the television _sleeping._ And Leon’s head is on his shoulder. Like he _likes_ The Kid.

“Hey,” Arthur whispers as he tip-toes his way into the TV room. “ _Hey!_ ”

Kid’s eyes flutter and shoot open, and when he looks around the room to find Arthur three inches from his face, he can’t stop blinking. He looks down at Leon, grabs his head and softly rests his head on a pillow. Arthur smiles as Leon snuffles into it. When he looks up at Kid, he’s looking at him with a confused but…fond…smile on his face.

“What the hell are you looking at?” Arthur asks.

The Kid blinks again.

“Why do you keep blinking?”

Guy’s lips turn down into a scowl and he grabs Arthur’s arm as he pulls him into the kitchen.

“Aren’t you going to ask me my name, Arthur?”

“How the fuck do you know my name?”

Guy rolls his eyes. “My name is Merlin. And I’m not a sitter. I’m—”

Arthur sees red and immediately punches the guy in the face as he starts yelling at him.

“Who the hell are you?! How dare you come into my house and claim to be a sitter and why the hell didn’t you say anything?!”

“Because you never gave me a fucking chance! You—” _Merlin_ says from the floor, blood flowing from his nose.

“Stop giving me excuses and tell me who the fuck you are and what you—”

“Daddy?”

Arthur turns around and sees Leon rubbing his eyes. He runs up to him and hugs him. “Leon, I’m so sorry. Did this man hurt you? I thought he was the sitter, I’m so sorry, Leon. I didn’t mean to leave you here with him.”

“I know, dad. Merlin told me. Where—Merlin!” Leon breaks away from Arthur’s arms and runs over to Merlin.

“Merlin, are you okay?! What happened?”

Merlin looks up at Arthur, nose bloodied, then back at Leon and smiles.

“It’s just a misunderstanding, Leon. Why don’t you go to your room and get changed for bed, yeah? I think your dad and I need to talk.”

Leon looks at Merlin warily, but concedes. “Okay.” He looks back at Arthur then heads up the stairs. Just like he was told. He doesn’t even listen to _Arthur_ when it’s bed time.

“Did you brainwash my son?”

Merlin stands up and wipes his nose on his sleeve, then walks past Arthur to the sink. He cleans his nose and turns around when he’s cleaned his face.

“Sit. Please. We need to talk.”

Arthur stares, but does sit down.

“For starters, like I said, my name is Merlin. I’m your new _neighbor._ I came to say hello to you, and you pulled me in and thought I was the new sitter. I couldn’t leave Leon by himself, so I stayed. You didn’t even let me explain, and you punched me in the face and broke my glasses. I met your mother earlier. That’s how I knew your name. She told me to come say hello to you. Said you were nice.”

With every word that comes out of Merlin’s mouth, Arthur shrinks in his chair and feels shittier and shittier.

“I—”

Merlin holds up his hand, smile on his face. “Hey, you don’t seem like one to apologize, so I’m just going to say it’s fine. It’s forgiven. You’re lucky it was me at the door, though. Otherwise who knew what kind of whacko you’d have left with your son.”

He means it as a joke, Arthur knows, but the implication that Arthur could’ve left Leon with a fucking _serial killer_ or anyone because he was so caught up with being at work hit him like a fucking train. He didn’t even know he was crying until he felt a warm hand on his back, rubbing up and down.

“Hey, it’s fine. It happens, yeah? I know you care about your son. Leon’s a great kid, really, and he loves you. Just misses you a bit.”

“I—I can’t believe I did that. I’m—I…”

“It’s fine. Like I said, you’re lucky it was me.”

Arthur looks up at Merlin and he’s met with a pair of cobalt blue eyes behind a pair of broken glasses he didn’t know he had on this whole time. His eyes are soft and full of something, cheekbones so sharp and delicate with dimples on either side of the broken and bleeding lip. He’s…beautiful. But Arthur hasn’t seen someone as beautiful as Merlin since Sophia and he doesn’t know how to react.

“What happened to your glasses?” he says between sniffles.

Merlin scoffs, stands up and lets out a loud laugh. And Arthur stares because he doesn’t know how to do this after such a long time. He doesn’t even know what _this_ is.

Merlin looks Arthur in the eyes. “It was nice to meet you, Arthur. I’ve got to get home. My mother should be waiting for me. But I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Tomorrow?”

Merlin smiles as he walks past Arthur again. His hand is on the door handle when he turns around and says, “Ask your mother.” He winks at him, then he’s gone.

He starts when he hears Leon behind him.

“He’s amazing, isn’t he dad?”

Arthur stares at the door a moment longer, then turns to Leon and makes plans for the weekend. Around the apparent dinner, of course.

When Leon’s finally gone to sleep, Arthur locks the house and makes his way to his mother’s, two doors down from him. He lets himself in and prepares himself for whatever argument is about to flow into his ears.

“—that way. Uther always put the detergent in first, _then_ the clothes!” his Aunt Alice yells.

“Alice, I know. But I’ve always done it this way.”

“I don’t care how you’ve done it, Ygraine! This is _Uther’s_ house, not yours! It’s because you took over it that everything’s fading away now! It’s because of that stupid gi—”

“Alice! Don’t you _dare_ bring Morgana into this! She’s just a little girl! She hasn’t done anything!”

“No, she hasn’t. _You’ve_ ruined everything! You took away my brother from me!”

“Hey! I don’t want another complaint from the neighbors about your yelling at each other. Shut up. Please,” Arthur says as his mother and aunt break away from each other.

“Arthur. How are you?” his mother asks, pretending nothing happened even though he heard the whole thing.

“Fine, mom. You?”

“Fantastic,” she says, trying to smile. The fake smiles keep getting worse. It gets wearier and less happy with every passing day. Uther’s death broke everyone, but for his mother, who loved his father like anything, it hurt her more and more everyday. Especially when Alice would say she didn’t truly love him.

“Alice?”

“Wonderful, Arthur. How could I not be when your mother is acting like she owns this house.”

“Alice, you know Uther gave it to her in his…will.”

She shuts up and goes up the stairs, passing Morgana with a small but noticeable whack to the head. Morgana’s used to it, but it doesn’t stop her from feeling horrible and hurt every time it happens.

“Morgs?”

There are tears in her eyes, but her smile is beautiful and strong.

“Arthur. I thought you couldn’t come by this week. I missed you,” she says as she runs into his arms. He squeezes her tight. She’s gotten at least four inches taller. She’s up to his belly now.

“I swear you get taller every time I see you.”

“That’s because I drink milk everyday! Mom says it helped you grow strong and big.”

She smiles fondly at Ygraine, who’s even smiling now as she starts on the pile of dishes in the sink.

“It’s true. I am fighting fit now, aren’t I?”

She leans back a bit and looks him up and down. “Nah, I’d say you’re more fat than you are fit.”

He scoffs. “Excuse me?! Mother’s been nattering about me, hasn’t she?”

She smiles as she motions for him to bend down. He does so, then Morgana cups his ear as she whispers, “She’s worried you’re losing weight, actually. That you’re not taking care of yourself.”

He leans back up, surprised. His mother has never been an easy person to read since Uther died, but to Morgana, she’s an open book.

“Is Morgana filling that head of yours again, Arthur? I don’t know where she comes up with these things, I swear.”

Arthur smiles at Morgana then kisses her on the forehead before he walks into the kitchen to help his mother.

“I met Merlin today,” he says as he starts drying the dishes.

“Ah, Merlin! He’s such a sweetheart. Moved here just yesterday with his mother. You know Gaius? Alice’s not-so-secret-boyfriend?” Arthur snorts. “He’s his nephew.”

“Gaius has a nephew? He never said!”

His mother looks up at him and narrows her eyes. She _knows_. “Why do I get the feeling you did something to _un_ welcome our new neighbor?”

“Um…”

“Arthur Pendragon! What did you do to poor Merlin?”

“Okay, it’s not my fault, all right?! He came to say hello, but I thought it was the agency’s sitter because George ran off from Leon. But he came instead, and when I got back from work, he was amazing with Leon! They fell asleep by the TV! And Merlin was unharmed.”

His mother laughs softly as she shakes her head.

“He’s just like you, that boy. You were such a troublemaker when you were Leon’s age.”

“Nonsense. I was perfect.”

He smiles as his mother whacks him lightly with the dish towel.

“I…I punched him.”

“Arthur! Please tell me you’re joking!”

“I—it wasn’t my fault! He didn’t explain himself fast eno—”

All he gets is another whack to the head. This one, though, hurts.

“Arthur Pendragon, I cannot believe you. Merlin went to say hello and you—.” She sighs and shakes her head softly.

“I said sorry. And he forgave me.”

When she looks at him, Arthur gives his best impression of Leon’s puppy dog eyes, but all it does is make his mother laugh.

“Oh, Arthur. What am I going to do with you?”

He smiles and grabs the next dish to dry. They’re almost done when a thought occurs to him.

“Mother, what if I asked Merlin to babysit Leon?”

She turns to him, rag up and ready to whack him again, but he puts both hands out front.

“Wait, wait! Mother you _know_ how Leon is. And he’s never been like this with anyone. Work is only getting busier and busier, and I’ve been banned from the nanny agency, and Merlin’s a young kid, right? He probably has nothing better to do than twiddle his thumbs all day.”

He does get a whack at that.

“He’s 23 Arthur, not 16.”

“Could have fooled me.”

His mother gives him a look, and Arthur only smiles coyly. She sighs, though. They finish drying the dishes, turn off the kitchen lights and make it to the staircase when his mom finally speaks.

“He has been looking for a job. Ask him tomorrow after dinner.”

Arthur smiles. “Thank you, Mother.”

She sighs again as she heads upstairs, but Arthur can see a faint smile on her lips.

“Love you, mom.”

She gives him a quick kiss on the head.

“Good night, my prince.”

That night, Arthur cries himself to sleep as he dreams of his father carrying him on his shoulders, wooden sword in hand, charging at a tree.

“Go get them, my prince! Soon this kingdom will be yours.”

***

“Arthur, get the door, would you?”

He opens the door expecting to see Merlin, but is met with an older woman, dark brown hair done up in a messy bun and kind eyes.

“You must be Arthur,” she says.

“I...yes. And you are?”

“Really? You can’t put two and two together, Arthur?”

He looks behind the woman, who seems to be Merlin’s mother, and finds him, new glasses on his face.

“You got new glasses.”

Merlin scoffs as he steps closer to Arthur, dimples showing on his face again.

“I have spare glasses, mate.”

He steps around him and charges straight for Leon, who brightens immediately at Merlin. He hands Leon a wrapped gift and Leon says thank you as he tears it open.

“He loves children. Always was rather good with them,” says the woman again.

He turns to face her and sees her smiling fondly at her son.

“Ah, sorry. I’m Arthur.”

“Yes, I know,” she says with a smirk on her face. But she holds out her hand anyway. “Call me Hunith.”

He shakes her hand and motions for him to come inside, followed by Gaius.

“Nice to see you again, Gaius.”

“You as well, Arthur. How has Alice been?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re dying to ask her yourself. I won’t take away your fun.”

Arthur laughs as Gaius blushes but heads straight to Alice, who’s sitting in the living room reading.

“They’re disgustingly in love,” Morgana says beside him.

“I know. It’s kind of adorable,” says a voice at his ear.

Arthur turns his head to the right and finds Merlin smiling again, looking down at Morgana.

“I’m sorry, but this prat hasn’t introduced us yet. I’m Merlin. You are?”

“Interested in who this man is who calls my brother a prat.” She’s always been way too mature for her age.

“Hey, I’m not a prat, you two.”

“Says the man who punched me in the face after watching his kid,” Merlin retorts.

“I—”

“You punched Merlin in the face?! Arthur!” Morgana screeches.

“It was an accident! I was—it—he just—I said I was sorry!”

He’s suddenly surrounded by laughter around him. Hunith, Merlin, and even his mother and Leon are laughing at him.

“Merlin told us the story, dear. I thought it was rather brave of you,” Hunith says. “And I’m sure he did something to deserve it anyway.”

“I want to hear the story!” Morgana says. Merlin opens his mouth to undoubtedly tell what she’s been missing, but Alice interrupts.

“Petulant child. You don’t need to know everything. It’s what got us here in the first place.”

“Alice!”

The room turns to look at her, but she doesn’t cower.

“It’s true! If it wasn’t for her, Uth—”

“Ah! The Pendragon family. How I’ve missed you all,” says his best mate, Gwaine. He forgot he invited him. As soon as he walks in, Gaius leads Alice into the dining room while Morgana makes her way towards him.

“Gwaine. Haven’t seen you rummaging for free food in a while,” Morgana says as she wraps her arms around him.

“Morgana. I swear you get taller every time I see you.”

“Well, you are pretty short in the first place,” she retorts.

Gwaine laughs and gives her a noogie before she runs into the kitchen with Leon and Hunith.

“I forgot I invited you, mate,” Arthur says as he pulls Gwaine into a half-hug.

He laughs as he claps Arthur’s back. “I knew you would. That’s why your mother gave me spare keys to your houses.”

Gwaine pulls back from their hug and winks at Ygraine who shakes her head with a small smile and walks into the kitchen.

“I thought I was missing half of my fridge.”

“And who is this handsome bloke? I thought I was the only one for you, Arthur.”

Arthur flushes and remembers Merlin is still standing in the doorway. He turns around and smacks Gwaine on the arm and introduces them.

“Ah, I’m M-Merlin. Arthur’s new neighbor.” Merlin stretches out his hand with a cautious smile on his face, as if he’s scared of something.

“Merlin? Strange name. But it suits someone like you.”

Arthur rolls his eyes at Gwaine’s flirting but can’t help feeling a little sore about it.

Merlin lets out a small sigh, of what sounds like relief, and launches into a conversation about food.

Arthur closes his eyes and runs a hand over his face. He thought his family was taught manners, and he can’t help but be embarrassed over what just happened.

He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes to a warm touch on his shoulder. Merlin’s looking at him with sky blue eyes, filled with concern and a little of something he can’t quite label. He nods his head towards the dining room, and with one last squeeze to his shoulder, Merlin heads off to take a place at his family’s table.

***

Morgana, Leon and Gwaine listen to Merlin going on about a story of a powerful magician and how he helped save the world from an evil king. They don’t take their eyes off of him for the rest of dinner, and Arthur is thankful for it. Hunith and Ygraine are talking as if they’ve been friends forever, and Alice and Gaius flirt so violently, he almost leaves the table.

Arthur watches his family interact, and he feels a pain of some sort in the bottom of his stomach. They seem so normal, functional even. But in reality, they’re so damaged. It’s the first time in a long time that it seems like his family could be even remotely happy again. And to think that all it took was a visit from a fucking neighbor makes him nauseous. So he excuses himself.

He stares at the stars and realizes it’s something he hasn’t done in a long time. When he was a kid, his father used to take him out in the back, put down a blanket and show him all the constellations, making up stories that made no sense. But they laughed anyway.

“It feels serious out here. Can I come join you?”

It’s Gwaine.

“Yeah, sure.”

“You all right, mate?”

Arthur sighs. He knows Gwaine knows about his family, basically all of his family’s problems. He’s supported him since he found out about his father’s suicide.

“It’s just, we looked so normal back in there, you know? Like there was nothing going on, everyone was getting along. I know it’s the farthest thing from where we are now, but Gwaine, I want that for my family. So badly. And I don’t know how to do that.”

“Arthur, look. Everyone knows you’re breaking your back to keep this family going. Except for Alice, maybe.” Arthur snorts. “But you’ve done your part. To want your family to be normal, to move past everything, that’s fine. But trying to _fix_ everything, that’s not. Everyone can take care of themselves. Hell, even Morgana can take care of herself! She’s 16, Arthur. Not five. Stop trying to fix everything, or you’ll be 80 before you reach 30.”

“I’m 29, Gwaine.”

“Exactly! You’ll skip all of your thirties and forties and head straight to gray hairs and back problems. And mate, I love you, but I’m not helping you use the bathroom if it comes to that.”

Arthur laughs and pushes at Gwaine’s shoulder, thanking whatever God there is that he has Gwaine as a best friend. If he wasn’t there to help him with everything, Arthur really doesn’t know where he’d be right now.

They turn around to the sound of a small cough: Merlin.

“Ah, Merlin! How can we help you?”

“Uh, actually I wanted to talk with Arthur.”

Gwaine gives Arthur a look, he can _feel_ Gwaine give him _that_ look, but he just stares at the grass, watching the blades of green bend, fold and give way for his shoe.

“Careful, mate. He bites,” Gwaine says. Arthur chokes on nothing and looks up to find a smiling Merlin, face colored pink, and Gwaine laughing up the stairs to the sound of Leon and Morgana calling his name.

“I—I’m sorry about him. He’s always been a little…”

“Flirty?”

Arthur looks at Merlin, a little shocked, and gives a short laugh.

“Yeah.”

Merlin smiles at him, holding his eyes for a while too long before looking at the grass.

“Ygraine said you had something to ask me?”

What? “Excuse me?”

“Your mother. Ygraine? She said you had something to ask me.”

“Did you just call my mother by her first name?”

Merlin cocks his head, a strand of his shaggy black hair falling across his face. Arthur wants to tuck it behind his huge ear. “Yes? Should I not?”

“No. No, sorry. I just—never mind.” Arthur has lots of friends. He’s made a few recently too; introduced them to his mother. But none of them have ever called his mother by her first name. The only one who does so is Gwaine, who only just recently started calling her by her first name. Because none of them had been close enough to be considered family.

“Okay…um, yes, by the way. To your question. I talked with Ygraine about it and I do need a job. And you look like you need a little help, too. I wanted to ask you about your schedule so I could shape mine too. Maybe even talk about payments?”

“What?” Help? Arthur doesn’t need help. Especially not from his kid neighbor.

“I’ll look after Leon. Can we talk about the—”

“No, what did you say? About me needing help?”

Merlin’s eyes flicker in understanding that Arthur’s mad. “Look, Arthur. You’re clearly under a lot of stress. And I’m not saying it’s just from your family. I’m here because I—”

“Excuse me? Who do you think you are to come into _my_ house and make judgments about my _family_. Who gave you the authority? I don’t need your help. And I especially don’t need your fucking judgment.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound offensive. I just…I want to help you.”

“Why? What makes you think I need help? What makes you so special that you think I’d just _let_ you help?”

“Because I know, Arthur. Not everything, but I know what you’re feeling. I know what it feels like to want help but be too ashamed to ask for it. I know what it feels like to have your life end before it’s even begun. I know what it’s like to focus on life like today’s the only chance you have to make everything right. But you’re 29, Arthur. You’re not dating, going out…”

“I don’t need to go out. I have Leon to take care of.”

“That’s exactly what I mean. So yes, will watch Leon for you. No need to worry about it. You don’t even need to pay me if you don’t want to.”

“How the hell did you—”

“You weren’t even listening to me, were you?” Arthur looks up at Merlin, and in that moment under the porch light, he looks wise for his age. Almost older because of how the light folds his face to make him look as if he was immortal. But his blue eyes are glistening with the mischief that Arthur guesses he’s had all of his life.

“Your mother told me that you needed someone to watch after Leon. Said you’d never seen anyone act the way I did with him.”

“‘S true.”

 Merlin smiles. “That’s settled, then. I’ll look after him on the weekdays, yeah?”

“Yeah. But not next week. I promised him I would take him to and from school.”

“I thought if that was only if he behaved.”

Arthur did a double take. “What? He—he _told_ you what he did?”

Merlin laughed again. Really, how much does he laugh? “Oh, he told me _loads_ of things.”

“Might as well pick him up. I’ve missed him, anyway.”

He looks up at Merlin when there isn’t a response and sees him smiling again. A softer one this time, instead of the blinding and obnoxious one he has on all the time.

“You’re a good father, Arthur. I hope you know that. Leon loves you a lot.”

“Right. Well. Um. Yes.” Arthur clears his throat, but Merlin’s smile is growing as the silence passes. “Starting the week after next, you can take him to school, pick him up and stay with him until I get home. I would also like you to cook, if you can, and clean the house up a bit.”

“What, I’m suddenly your servant?”

“You said you’re here to help.” Might as well extort the little fucker.

Merlin opens his mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a small puff of laughter. He looks down at the floor, then back up at Arthur. And this time, something…there’s something familiar about those eyes.

“You haven’t changed,” Merlin says softly.

He startles at that. Does Merlin know him? Arthur’s just about to ask him what he meant by that when the rest of the house comes out, bidding Hunith, and now Merlin, goodnight. He swears he sees Alice blush at something Gaius says, but he chooses instead to focus on how Merlin gives Leon a fist bump, gets a noogie from Gwaine and a kiss on the cheek from Morgana.

“Welcome to the family, Merlin,” he hears her whisper to him.

Arthur isn’t sure why he suddenly feels like things are going to get better. He wants to run away from it, but at the same time, he wants run towards it as fast as he can because it might disappear.

~~~M~~~

“So…”

Merlin rolls his eyes. He _knew_ his mother would be like this

“Mum, can we please not do this now?”

“ _That’s_ the Arthur who’s kept you occupied for the past 9 years. Merlin, I must say, you’ve definitely got taste.”

Merlin starts gagging and his mother starts laughing on her way to the kitchen.

“Oh, stop it, Merlin. I’ve been nothing but supportive of you since you found out that Ygraine’s Arthur was your Arthur.”

“Yes, and thank you for that, but you don’t need to be all…”

Merlin attempts to explain what he means through flailing arms and hand motions, and his mother seems to get it because she rolls her eyes and hands him the pills and a glass of water.

“You’re always so dramatic.”

“Well, I’ve got you to thank for it, don’t I?”

He lifts his glass up to her and chugs his pills and water. And tonight, like every night, his mother looks at him, eyes watering and turns towards the fridge.

“Chocolate cake?”

Merlin sighs as he grabs the plates and forks, bringing up a topic both knew was inevitable.

“I’m meeting with Gwen next week.”

She dishes out a couple slices into the plates and nods her head, but Merlin turns away before he can see her cry. He’s never been strong enough to see that.

 

****

“Spinach? Who actually eats that? I’m not a fucking goat,” Merlin mumbles to himself as he grabs a bag of spinach from the produce aisle. His mother’s sent him grocery shopping because “they don’t have any food in the house”. Cake is food! So is pizza and soup and crackers!

“I hope you don’t make a habit out of talking to yourself, Merlin. I’ve heard it’s a sign that you’re going crazy.”

Merlin closes his eyes and takes four deep breaths before he turns to Arthur, but he’s still not prepared to see his face under the ugly florescent lights. He _still_ looks gorgeous.

“Actually, talking to oneself is a sign of genius.”

Arthur quirks a smile and Merlin turns back to the aisle to grab three extra bags of spinach.

“Are you feeding an army?”

“No, my mother needs all this for…something. She’s making something. That requires three bags of spinach. So she sent me to the store. To grab…spinach. And other things. Because that’s what you do when you go grocery shopping. To grab spinach and other things.”

“Yes…”

“Um…what are you doing here, Arthur?”

And really, how much more of an idiot can you look in front of the man you’ve had a thing for since freshman year in college?

Arthur’s eyebrow shoots up and his lips turn slightly upward to form a smirk—a signature look of his—that Merlin never thought would be directed at him. So he swallows and grabs a zucchini and a cucumber.

“I’m also grocery shopping, Merlin. For other things. Not spinach, though.”

“Oh shut up, Arthur.”

But Arthur laughs and stands next to Merlin, fingers too close to Merlin’s as he reaches for the broccoli.

“Poor Leon,” he says.

“Actually, Leon loves broccoli, Merlin. He loves it in pasta. You do know how to make pasta, don’t you?”

Merlin looks up at Arthur warily.

“Why?”

“Like I said. I’ll be home late almost every night starting Monday, and Leon needs to get in his proper nutrients for dinner. You wouldn’t mind making him something, would you?”

“But I thought I wouldn’t start looking after him till next week.”

His eyebrow shoots up again. “It’s Friday.”

“Oh.”

Arthur sighs. “Really, Merlin. How can you baby sit my son if you can’t even remember what day it is?”

“It’s been a busy week, all right? I’ve had a lot on my mi…schedule. A lot on my schedule.”

“I’m sure sitting at home and watching telly is such a time consuming task.”

Merlin thanks the gods that Arthur goes along with it and tries to lighten the mood a little.

“I’m sure you’d know all about it, Arthur.”

Arthur splutters, no doubt coming up with a retort, but Merlin ignores him because he sees Leon running towards him.

“Merlin!”

“Hey, little man! How are you?”

“Awesome!” he says as he wraps his arms around Merlin’s legs.

Merlin pats his head and listens to Leon go off about his week with his dad. When he looks up at Arthur, he’s staring at Merlin with a confused look on his face.

Merlin offers a small smile and bends down to Leon’s level.

“That all sounds like fun. Maybe we can go to some parks and things when I start looking after you on Monday. Maybe even get some ice cream since your father here doesn’t seem to have a sweet tooth.”

He eyes Arthur’s cart, which is full of meats, veggies and fruits. Which, he guesses, isn’t a bad thing since Leon doesn’t need too much sugar or fats, but still. He is only eight.

“I happen to have a perfect sweet tooth,” Arthur says as he folds his arms across his chest. His _muscular_ chest. Merlin stares a second too long and swallows before looking back at Leon, who’s looking at him with his head cocked to the side, curious expression on his face.

“I’m sure. Listen, I gotta run. My mother needs her—”

“Spinach,” Arthur says with another smirk on his face.

“Right. See you Monday!” Merlin ruffles Leon’s hair and practically runs off to the snack aisle, heart in his throat. It hurts.

***

“Gwen!” he calls from his seat at the restaurant later that afternoon.

“Hello, Merlin.” Her lips form a thin line, eyes not looking at Merlin at all.

“Oh, come on, Gwen. Don’t be like that.”

She sighs. Oh how he hasn’t missed that sigh at all. “Gwen…”

“Merlin, I can’t do this right now. I don’t know why you rushed this. Please, can we meet later?”

“Gwen,” he says. He stands up from the chair he was sitting at and walks towards her and pulls her into a hug. She doesn’t wrap her arms around him like she used to. “Please, Gwen. I need to do this sooner than later. It’s…it’s going to kill me.”

She pushes away from him as he chuckles.

“That’s not funny,” she says.

But she sits down anyway, reluctant smile on her face. So they talk.

***

“Hello, Leon.”

“Morning, Merlin.”

“How was your weekend?”

“Amazing! We went to the zoo!”

Merlin laughs. “Oh really? Did you get anything at the gift shop?”

“Of course! I got a stuffed seahorse! I love seahorses. Did you know they’re they only male animal that can get pregnant?”

“Really?”

“Yeah!” Leon launches into the progress of how male seahorses give birth, and Merlin almost gags until Arthur comes down and saves him.

“Oh, good morning, Merlin. You’re right on time,” Arthur says as he makes his way down the stairs. And oh Holy God, he’s not wearing pants and his thighs are flexing with every step he takes and they’re so big and tan and _holy shit_. He feels someone squeeze his hand, and blushes when he finds it’s Leon, who’s looking at him with the same curious expression he gave him in the grocery store. So Merlin swallows and tries to contain his blush.

“Uh, yes. More so than you, it seems.” _Yes. Be witty and sarcastic,_ Merlin thinks. _It’ll get him riled up. But he’s so fucking hot when he gets all riled…_

Arthur gives him a questioning look as he stops on the last step, so Merlin swallows again and nods his head towards his legs. Arthur looks down, and when he looks up again, his face is red and both Leon and him can’t help but break out in laughter as Arthur runs back up the stairs. Merlin chokes, though, when he can make out the shape of Arthur’s butt while he’s running away.

“Do you want some water?” Leon asks.

“Um, sure. Yeah.”

Leon gets him a glass and fills it with water, but Merlin watches him carefully. He’s a perceptive kid. When Merlin tested out his hardest riddles with Morgana, Leon got it in one try while Morgana and him were left blinking, trying to figure out how in the hell he got it. The fact they were dirty riddles made it all the more puzzling. What the fuck were kids being taught in school these days?

Merlin has just taken a sip of his water when Leon says, “My dad’s bisexual, you know.” And he proceeds to spit out the water all over Arthur, who just walked into the kitchen.

“Merlin!”

“I—Um. Sorry?”

“What the hell happened?! I have to leave in five minutes! I don’t have time to go and change!”

“It’s not my fault you didn’t have your pants on.”

And Leon, Merlin swears to every God in the universe, mumbles so softly, “You wish it was, though.”

Merlin chokes again.

“Merlin, are you getting sick?” Arthur asks worriedly.

“Yeah, Merlin? Are you getting sick?” Leon asks smugly.

Fuck him. Fuck Leon. He is _not_ an eight-year-old. He can’t be.

“No, I’m fine. I’ve just never had water before.”

Leon follows his dad, who’s staring at Merlin with a very concerned look on his face, out of the kitchen, mouth buried in his hand as he giggles.

“See you at eight, buddy. Be a good boy for Merlin.”

“I will. I swear,” Leon says as Merlin walks into the foyer after composing himself.

“Remember to do your chores, Merlin.”

“Yes, your pratness.”

But the door is shut when he responds.

“I’m not joking about my dad.”

Merlin sighs. “Leon. You are eight years old. Can we please talk about something else on your way to _first grade_?”

“Sure.”

Leon grabs Merlin’s hand as they leave the house together and take the ten-minute walk to school. And Leon, thank the lords, talks about normal, first grader things the whole way there.

“Have a good day, champ. I’ll see you at 3.”

“Thanks, Merlin.” They fist bump, then Merlin watches his light-brown way bounce in the sun as he runs to meet his friends.

He’s just turned around when his phone rings.

“Hello, Gwen.”

“Merlin. Are you busy now?”

“Yes, unfortunately. I have a sort of job thing to do these days.”

“Merlin, this is serious.”

“Gwen, I know. I swear I’m not joking. Call mum if you want.”

“I’m not dragging your mother into this, Merlin.”

“Why not? She’s been dying to hear how you’ve been, anyway.”

“Just call me whenever you’re free, okay? I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”

“Fine. Tell Lance I say hello.”

“Yeah.”

____________

 

“Pendragon Household. The prat isn’t in at the moment, but I can take a message.”

“Very funny. I know you know I have caller ID, Merlin.”

“There’s no harm in trying to have fun though.”

“Hmm. There is if I say it is.”

“I knew it. You’re a fun sucker.”

“Have you finished all the housework?”

“Just finished, your highness. I was just about to leave to pick up Leon.”

“Perfect.”

“Yes. Then we were going to go to the tattoo parlor. He said he wanted a picture of an apple with a snake around it on his leg.”

Merlin breaks out laughing as Arthur chokes over whatever he was drinking. He imagines him sitting in his huge office overlooking the city of London, sipping on an espresso, half of which is probably all over very important documents. All because of Merlin.

“Fuck. I got espresso all over my papers! Thank you for that, Merlin.”

But Merlin laughs even harder. He laughs all the way to Leon’s school.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Hmm.”

Merlin straightens immediately. He needs to be careful around this kid.

“How was school?”

The whole walk back is filled with more first grader stories, which Merlin is very thankful for. But the stories that Leon chooses to tell him after dinner and homework make him wonder if he really does know something. There’s the story of how “Percy keeps pulling on Vivian’s pigtails. But not really. That’s not what that means, you know.” And how their teacher Elyan keeps smiling at Sefa, the teacher from across the hall. “They love each other because they show it through their eyes.” Well, that’s one way of putting it.

“I swear. What you’re learning in first grade is more than 100% different from what I learned,” Merlin says as he tucks Leon into bed.

“I’m just being perceptive, Merlin.”

Merlin can’t help but gape back at him. He chuckles at how much he reminds him of Arthur. “You’re just like your father.”

“I would hope so. He is my son,” Arthur says from behind him.

“Oh, hello Arthur,” he says as Leon undoes his hard work of tucking him in when he runs to his father. They look like a picture perfect family then; Arthur laughing as he swings Leon around in his arms. So complete.

Merlin clears his throat from the sudden swell of emotion he feels. He can’t do this. Not here, at least. “Um, I should go. My mum’s expecting me.”

“Why? I mean, surely she knows you’re working for me. I could be coming home at midnight for all she knows.”

And Merlin can’t help it if Arthur draws up the perfect opportunity for him to make him blush. It’s a beautiful sight, really. Like watching a rose bloom.

“Why, Arthur? Don’t want me to leave?”

A beautiful, beautiful rose.

“I’m joking, Arthur. I have some business to take care of.”

Arthur frowns at him. “Oh, okay. Good night.”

“Night. Night, champ,” he says to Leon as he holds his fist out. Leon gives him a fist bump back, but it’s weak and he has a frown that matches his father’s.

~~~A~~~

“You’re so boring,” Merlin says one Wednesday evening, almost two months after he started babysitting Leon. Arthur’s been getting home earlier every day so he can see Merl…Leon—Leon more often, because work, by some miracle, has lightened up a bit. It’s a week till summer break, and Leon is so excited about it. He has a whole series of movies lined up to marathon with Merlin and Arthur. Right now, though, they’re playing Uno.

“I am not. I have an 8-year-old, Merlin. I think that makes me the opposite of boring.”

“No, dad. Merlin’s right. You come home, play with me, eat dinner, talk with Merlin and go to sleep. Even on the weekends you do nothing. Aren’t grown-ups supposed to go clubbing and stuff?”

“That’s a great idea, Leon! Arthur, come clubbing with me! I’m sure you have some friends you can round up to bring with you. Hell, bring Gwaine! He’d be so much fun to have!”

“I am _not_ going to a club with you,” he says rather forcefully. “Or Gwaine.”

Merlin pouts as Leon puts down a card. “Why not?”

Arthur swallows as he stares at Merlin before he throws down a +4 for him. He’d been saving it for Leon because he’s been throwing draw four’s and two’s at him the whole game, but that pout, Arthur thinks, deserves a +4.

“Because. If you’re not here to take care of Leon, then wh—”

“Really? That’s the only excuse you have, Arthur? There’s Ygraine, Hunith, Morgana, Gaius, Alice…need I say more?”

“I’ve already lost, haven’t I?” he says to Leon.

His son looks up at him and says, “Uno!”. After Merlin goes, Leon puts down a +4 and a blue draw 2 card while Merlin’s smile grows, eyes soft and looking up at Arthur. He’s most definitely lost.

That’s how, that Friday night, Leon helps Arthur get ready for clubbing with Merlin. And Gwaine. It took Arthur a lot of convincing to call Gwaine. He didn’t want Gwaine to go because over the past month, Gwaine’s been talking an awful lot about Merlin and how attractive he is. And he doesn’t want Merlin to succumb to Gwaine’s charms. Because Merlin deserves better than that, of course. Not because he’s jealous. No. Not at all.

“Mmm…don’t you have jeans, dad? I’m sure jeans would look better with that shirt.”

“Really?”

“Yup. Merlin said you look good in jeans. He also said he think you’d look amazing in skinny jeans.”

Arthur whips to turn around to his son so hard, Leon falls back onto the bed.

“What did you say?”

“Um…”

“Arthur? Are you ready? I’m comi—no.  You are _not_ wearing dress pants with that shirt, Arthur. Don’t you have jeans or something?”

As Merlin walks in the room, all Arthur can do is stare. He’s wearing skin tight black jeans and a dark button-down that fits him all too snuggly. His hair looks like he’s run his fingers through it a million times and his lips looked chapped from biting at him too much. His fingers are light pink as they go through his closet looking for jeans that are not there. They’re in his dresser, but Arthur’s not about to tell Merlin that. He might faint if he looked at his ass bent over in those jeans.

Arthur shakes his head as he turns around to grab the jeans himself. He’s not thinking about anything other than why he thinks Merlin is attractive all of a sudden, unaware that he’s just stripped in front of his friend/babysitter/apparent crush.

When he does up his buttons, he looks to Leon for confirmation first. He smiles at Arthur, giving him a thumbs up and bops their foreheads together before he skips out of the room, leaving Merlin and Arthur alone.

“Y-you look good,” Merlin whispers.

“You too,” he says back. He walks up to Merlin to fix his collar. His fingers feel the warmth emitting from Merlin’s neck, and when they brush against it, he can hear Merlin’s sharp intake of breath. Arthur’s eyes drop to his lips where he’s biting at them again.

“Stop that. You’ll bleed.” His thumb traces Merlin’s lips before his brain knows what he’s doing, and all he feels is soft, warm puffs of breath on the tip of his finger. He doesn’t want to move.

“Arthur, I—” Merlin whispers again.

“Arthur! I’m here for Leon,” he hears Morgana shout. Merlin jumps back and gives Arthur an awkward smile before he runs down the stairs, and it’s only then when Arthur realizes that Merlin’s hand was on his waist. There’s a burning cold coming from where his hand was, and Arthur tries to calm himself from yelling at his sister when he finally makes it down the stairs.

“Woah. You look like a human, Arthur,” Morgana jokes.

“Why thank you, Morgana. I’m glad you think so. It was all me.”

Morgana scoffs as Merlin comes in with Leon from the kitchen. “I doubt that.”

“You’re right, Sissy. Me and Merlin helped dad pick out his outfit.”

“Merlin and I, Leon.”

“Merlin and I.”

Merlin smiles at Leon as he ruffles his hair, and Leon looks back at him like he’s…like he’s his…

“Arthur! Are you ready to go?” Morgana breaks him out of his thoughts.

“What? Yeah. Let me just grab my keys.”

He walks into the bathroom and splashes his face with water. It’s been years since he last fooled around with a man, let alone been attracted to one, and it’s been even longer since he came out as bisexual. What…what is this? Why does it suddenly feel so new?

He walks out to find the foyer empty, so he walks out and locks the door to find Leon waving to Merlin and Arthur, hand in hand with Morgana.

“Have fun, daddy!” Leon calls out to him.

He’s close enough to Merlin to see him open his mouth, as if in reply to Leon. When Arthur answers, “You too, son,” Merlin’s face closes down and puts up the defenses that have been up since the first night Merlin tucked in Leon.

“Ready to go?” Merlin asks.

“If you are.”

“Let’s get you fucked up.”

***

“Arthur! Merlin!” Gwaine shouts at them from across the club. They make their way over and find Gwaine at the bar with three lines of four shots. Merlin gulps—he can barely hold his liquor, let alone drink.

“Oh, come on, Merlin! Don’t look like you’ve never had a shot before. You’re 23, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think I want to kill myself. At least not tonight.”

“You’re a lightweight, aren’t you?” Arthur asks. And Merlin can _feel_ the smirk that grows on his face.

“So? I’ll probably at least be better than you. You look like you haven’t had a drink since college. Running around like a lunatic,” Merlin says without thinking. When he realizes what he said, he looks up at Arthur to find his face pink, mouth gaping, trying to come up with something to say. But Gwaine’s face is stock still, eyes unblinking with a razor-sharp focus on Merlin. Merlin blinks and barely hears Arthur’s comeback.

“Like you’d actually know.”

“It—it doesn’t take a lot to guess. I bet you couldn’t even drink 5 shots without falling over.”

“Yeah? Watch me.”

Merlin does, and nearly faints at watching Arthur throw back shot after shot, neck muscles constricting, veins popping, and Arthur’s face steadily growing pink. Merlin swallows with Arthur as he takes his last shot, shooting a brilliant smile across his face. He does, however, nearly fall over, so Gwaine and Merlin grab each of his arms and stands him upright.

“I told you,” Merlin says softly.

“Nonsense. I’m perfect. Let’s dance! I’ll show you!”

Arthur runs off into the throbbing bodies to jump and move chaotically to another song about sex or drugs. Merlin, though, stays behind because fucking Gwaine and his stare have him tied to the ground.

“You’re Marvin.”

Merlin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he faces Gwaine.

“It’s Merlin. It’s always been Merlin.”

He opens his eyes when he hears…well, he’s not really sure what that noise is. It should be laughing, because Gwaine’s head is thrown all the way back, shoulders shaking, but there’s no sound of laughter—just little squeaks and wheezes.

“What?”

“I can’t believe this. You’re the same _Merlin_ who helped out Arthur all those years ago?! And he doesn’t even— _I_ didn’t even recognize you!”

Merlin pouts. “Yeah, well, I was only fifteen when I finally met him. And you. When I saved him.”

Gwaine’s eyes soften at that.

“You’re really not at all subtle about how you feel about him, you know that? I stand by what I said; that for a smart kid, you’re really fucking stupid. Really? Posting poems about him all over campus?”

Merlin blushes and leans over the bar to call for a coke.

“Oh, come on. Surely you need something stronger than that after all this!”

“I—I can’t drink. Bad experience.”

Gwaine’s eyebrows shoot up, no doubt waiting for an explanation, but Merlin offers none.

“Suit yourself,” he says as he downs four shots.

“So what, you stalked him all this time and are waiting for him to fall in love with you?”

Merlin, promptly, chokes on his coke, some falling out of his mouth but most coming out through his nose. Which fucking _hurts_. And Gwaine, the bastard, is laughing.

“No! I swear I’m not a stalker! When I came down here, I moved to be with my uncle. My mum and I aren’t that financially sound that we could afford a house here. And my uncle is wealthy enough from God knows whatever he did when he was younger and has more than enough rooms in is house, so…”

“I’m joking, Merlin.”

Merlin sighs. “Yeah.”

“But, you know you have to tell him, right?”

“What? Why? It’s not like it’ll make a difference.”

Gwaine’s eyebrow goes up again. “You really are stupid, aren’t you? Merlin, I’ve grown up with Arthur most of my life, and I know that he doesn’t’ like secrets. He doesn’t even like surprise parties because things like that kept popping up in his life. Like Sophia and Leon. It may not be in a conventional way, but he appreciates you and what you do for him and his family. Especially for Leon. But if he finds out that you knew him once before, he could take it in a really bad way. Like you—”

“Like I’m a stalker.”

Gwaine smirks at him.

“Well, I may not be around long enough that he needs to know.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Nothing. Just—for now, don’t tell him. Please. I…I care for him too. And Leon. And the rest of his family, but right now, I don’t want to focus on what happened in the past.”

Gwaine laughs. “I’ll drink to that.”

They cheer and sip at their drinks, talking casually until Arthur comes back from the mob, hair sweaty and plastered all over his forehead, face glistening with sweat. He’s never looked more beautiful.

“Um…hi.” Of course Merlin’s breathless, and of course Gwaine just stands there and laughs at him.

“Come dance with me, Merlin.”

He can feel his eyes grow wider and can hear Gwaine’s laugh fading when Arthur grabs his arm, gently but with fervor, leading him to get lost in whatever could be washed away in the mix of lovesick and love hungry faces.

And like always, Merlin’s caught in the middle of it all.

~~~Leon~~~

Leon is smiling at the clock as it turns from 11:30pm to 11:31pm. It’s official. This is the latest he’s been up _in his life_. It’s so much fun! He wishes he could do this all the time. His dad would probably kill him, though. He has to find someway to thank Morgana for “falling asleep” at 8:30pm. She really just went into the living room so she could watch a movie with her friend Freya. She’s really nice, just really shy. But it’s been quiet in there for a while, so Leon thinks they went to sleep.

The explosion from the television brings him back to life. He’s watching _Big Hero 6_ again—his favorite movie. It’s the second time he’s watched it tonight! Staying up late is the best.

The movie’s almost over when he hears the key in the door, so he knocks his head back against the pillows, pretending to be asleep as he hears his father and Merlin walk in.

“So much fuuuun, Merrrlin. You’re so fuuun.”

“Yes, I can tell, Arthur. Here, lean against the wall for a bit while I lock the door. Okay, let’s try and get you upstairs.”

Leon peeks one of his eyes open and bites his lip so he can stop himself from laughing. His dad looks so silly! Poor Merlin is so skinny; he’s trying to pull dad up the stairs with one arm around his waist, but dad keeps tripping over the stairs and says bad words.

“Merlin, the stairs keep moving.”

“No, Arthur, they’re not. You’re just really drunk. This is the last time you’re going out with Gwaine, I swear.”

“Good. I only want to go out with you.”

Leon’s confused when Merlin stops in his tracks as his dad rests his head on Merlin’s shoulder. He looks sad. But, his dad said something sweet to him. He’s supposed to be happy now that he knows his dad likes him, right?

When Merlin and his dad finally make it up the stairs, Leon gets up and slowly tiptoes to his dad’s room. He sees Merlin sitting on the bed next to his dad, who’s acting silly while he cuddles a pillow. He watches Merlin and is confused because he’s crying.

“Arthur…you’re making this so hard for me. I—” Merlin sighs, and shakes a bit before he goes on. “I love you _so much_ , much more than I did in college. And now, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go, Arthur.”

Leon feels the water in his eyes as Merlin keeps speaking. Go? Why does Merlin have to go? He wants him to stay here with his dad and him forever.

“I wish—I wish I could stay with you and Leon forever. You’re…you’re my family now.”

Leon covers his mouth with both hands as he watches Merlin lean forward. He’s just above his dad’s lips, and before he closes the rest of the inches to kiss him, Leon watches the moon from the window fall in rivers from Merlin’s eyes.

***

The next morning, Leon is watching Merlin make pancakes while talking about something Leon isn’t paying attention to.

“Leon, are you even listening to me? You’re the one who asked what I did with my dad in the summer before he died!”

“Why are you going to leave us, Merlin? I thought you loved my dad?”

Leon jumps when he hears a glass break. He looks up and finds Merlin bending over the shards, but his eyes are wide and looking at him.

“L-Leon, how did y—”

“I heard you say it to dad. Why are you leaving? I don’t want you to go!”

“Leon, I—”

“NO! You’re staying with us forever! I don’t care what you say!”

He runs up to his room and slams the door, tears leaving a trail behind him. It’s a while later when he hears a knock on the door.

“Go away.”

“We need to talk, champ.”

Leon puts down the book he was reading and throws it down on his bed as he looks up at Merlin, tears falling again.

“Leon, I’m—can you keep a big secret for me, Leon?”

He scrunches his eyebrows together. “Why?”

“Because I’m about to tell you my deepest, darkest secret. And you can’t tell anyone. Not even your dad. Okay?”

He sniffs as he eyes Merlin. He’s scared. The hand holding the glass of water is shaking, spilling drops on the wood floor.

“Okay.”

Merlin takes in a deep breath then makes his way to Leon’s bed. He kisses his head, and Leon wonders if this is what it’s like to have a mother. To comfort him, care for him when he’s scared.

So he cries with Merlin, listens to him, and hugs him until they both fall asleep.

~~~A~~~

Arthur wakes up with a splitting headache, mouth dry and horrendous taste in his mouth. Nothing unusual, except for the fact that he’s also dizzy and still dressed in his clothes from last night, not under the covers. And he wonders how in the hell he slept so soundly, and how he’s _still_ tired.

The images of last night, though, snap his eyes open. He remembers Merlin and Gwaine talking, laughing and drinking. He remembers taking one to many shots, then grabbing Merlin by the arm, making him dance. He remembers Merlin’s eyes, clouded with affection and, dare he say it, lust, as they danced together—back to front. He remembers feeling something hard and heavy against his backside, but before he could fathom it out, Merlin introduced him to some girl who had a terrible taste in perfume. That, or she was doused in vodka and whiskey.

He grabs his head as he sits up and checks the time—it’s noon—the latest he’s ever slept in. Arthur decides, after he takes paracetamol and downs three glasses of water, that he is never going out again.

He finds half-made pancakes and a bowl of chocolate chips by the stove and Leon’s favorite cup on the table, so he figures they’re both up and walking around, but Arthur can’t find them anywhere in the house. So he goes upstairs to check, just in case.

What he finds, when he opens Leon’s door, is Merlin sleeping with his arms around Leon, both of their foreheads touching. Leon’s small hand is on Merlin’s cheek, thumb sweeping softly back and forth, and Arthur stops breathing, heart in his throat, because of everything he was ready to see, _that_ was the last possible thing. They both look like they did two months ago when Arthur didn’t even know who Merlin was. But this time…this time it looked like they were a family now. A family Arthur didn’t even know he wanted.

Arthur softly calls out Leon’s name.

“Leon. Bud.”

He turns around slowly and smiles at his dad, but raises his finger to his lips, telling him to be quiet. But Merlin wakes up as soon as Leon is off of the bed.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, champ. I—oh. Hey, Arthur.”

“Hey,” he croaks out.

In his sleepy daze, Merlin looks downright fuckable. And Arthur can’t help but imagine him lying in Arthur’s bed, all fucked out, waking up lazily, dreamy face looking down at Arthur, whispering sweet nothings into his ear as they roll over to start all over again. And again and again.

“Arthur!”

“What?”

“I asked how you’re feeling?”

Merlin’s suddenly right in front of him, hand coming up to grasp his forehead.

“You don’t have a fever. Maybe it’s just that you haven’t sleep past 7am before.”

He’s smiling. His dimple is covered by a mark made by his sleeve and his eyes are soft and…

“Can we still eat pancakes, Merlin?”

“Of course we can, champ! Let’s go get the batter all finished up.”

Leon races down, Merlin following right behind him, but turns back at the first step and looks back at Arthur. He always looks back.

“Coming?”

It’s too domestic. Too natural. Too easy. Arthur doesn’t want it to change.

~~~M~~~

Leon’s the first person he’s ever told about everything. Of course there was Will, but he’d been with him since the moment it happened.

But Leon—he’s so young and pure (for the most part) and doesn’t deserve anything but the truth. And God help him, Merlin loves him. And Merlin doesn’t want to leave either.

They finished the whole pancake mix, granted there were only two cups of pancake mix left because Merlin still hadn’t gone shopping, and afterwards watched _Frozen_. Surprisingly, Leon _and_ Arthur sang along to “Let It Go”. Who knew Arthur was a closet fan girl?

After he got a call from his mother, he said his byes and headed out.

He’s almost to the front door when he hears Arthur call him back again.

“Can we talk for a second?”

It’s really not a good idea. Merlin hasn’t felt like this since he indirectly saw Arthur leave school. And now, of all times, it’s the worst possible way to feel. But then he looks at Arthur’s face. His life’s biggest mistake has always been laying his eyes on that unforgivably beautiful face. It hurts to look at. He can feel himself falling into the trap he’s avoided for the past nine years.

“Sure.” But he doesn’t give a fuck, does he?

Arthur pours them both a cup of tea.

“What’s your story, Merlin?”

“Hmm?”

“You—there’s something about you. Sometimes I swear you look like you’re 15, but other times, you look like you’re a thousand years old.”

His laugh is dry in his throat. “So do you. How about you tell me yours first?”

“Why?”

“Because I said so.”

Arthur sighs, but there’s an inevitable smile tugging at his pink lips. He swallows a sip of his tea and starts.

“I…I went to Albion University in California. My parents were from here, but I got in with a scholarship. I met Sophia my freshman year and it was love at first sight. Or so I thought. Near the end of sophomore year, my mother tells me my dad com—died. He died. And she needed help at the café—it was their business and she couldn’t run it by herself. I told Sophia, who was pregnant with Leon, and I asked her to come with me. We could’ve started a life together. But she said no, that she had two other boyfriends at school that she could stay with.”

So I went back home and helped out for a bit, just to get my mom back on her feet. I got offered a job at my uncle’s company about four months after I left school. I started out as a manager, and in the second week of January, Sophia came to visit me. Well, she left me Leon. In her note she said she couldn’t bear to look at him after I broke up with her and that he was my responsibility. And I couldn’t say no. Not at all. It—Leon’s my life now. And my mother’s life. I don’t regret it. Not at all.”

“What about Morgana?”

“Ah, well about a year before my father passed, my mother adopted Morgana out of the blue. Not that it was a problem. She fit right in. My aunt keeps claiming that my father looked troubled and disturbed every time he looked at Morgana, so she hated her on principle.” Arthur chuckles. “It was ridiculous though. I know my father loved Morgana. He maybe loved her more than he loved me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Arthur. You were away at college when Morgana was adopted, right? So he just shared all the love he couldn’t show you with Morgana.”

Arthur looked up at him, water filling his eyes rapidly. “You know, I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Yeah, well when we’re looking for an answer, we don’t usually find it. It comes to us when we need it,” Merlin says.

Arthur laughs, but grips his cup rather forcefully. His gaze drowns in the tea, and he looks like a greedy man, grabbing everything he can about that moment, like he hasn’t been loved.

“I don’t know what to think of you, Merlin. It feels like you know me, but I would’ve remembered someone like you. You’re not easy to forget.”

“We’ve haven’t known each other for that long.”

“Doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you.”

Merlin gulps as he feels a blush bloom across his face again. And Arthur’s eyes sparkle with tears, and the soft afternoon light makes his hair glow like a halo.

“I have to go, Arthur.”

“Why?”

“I told you. My mum and I have some business to take care of.”

“And what is that, exactly?”

“I…can’t tell you. Not now.”

Arthur sighs and looks down at his mug while he swishes the tea around, but when he speaks, he looks Merlin dead in the eyes.

“I’ll be here, Merlin. I’ll be waiting for you to tell me.”

Merlin turns around and runs back home. He collapses on his bed, thoughts racing but heart racing faster. It’s been too long. He’s been good about it, but still, it’s as if all of his training was thrown out of the window. He curls his knees into his chest, closes his eyes and thinks about spring again.

But this time, all he sees is Arthur.

 

 

~~~A~~~

It’s the Saturday after the night they went clubbing, and instead of going out again, Merlin and Arthur both agree that they never want a repeat of that night— _especially_ with Gwaine—and instead, start cooking classes with Ygraine. Leon’s in the care of Morgana, who is now getting paid because she’s a teenager who needs money at every opportunity, so Merlin, Arthur, and Ygraine agree that by the holidays, Ygraine should learn how to cook a real meal instead of ordering out.

And Merlin and Arthur, despite their quite intense conversation (which still leaves Arthur reeling), find it easier to talk about any and everything. Everything except the reason why Merlin moved to London. And every time Arthur tries to bring it up, it’s like Merlin knows. Then he asks Arthur more about that day’s meeting or problem or whatever.

“Just tell me, Merlin. It can’t be anything bad.”

“Arthur, just drop it. Please. It’s stupid, is all.”

“No, I’m not going to drop it. It’s been forever since we’ve known each other.”

“It’s been like two months.”

“Please?” He even tries Leon’s puppy eyes at him, but it works to no avail. Merlin just laughs and ruffles Arthur’s hair.

“You’d make a terrible puppy, Arthur.”

He scoffs. “I beg to differ. I think I’d make an amazingly adorable puppy.”

“Whatever you say, Arthur. Whatever you say.”

“Boys, stop flirting. You’re making me feel uncomfortable,” Ygraine says. So they shut their mouths and Merlin walks five paces ahead, face as red as a fire hydrant, as Arthur has to deal with his mother’s laugh.

They walk in, only to find Hunith in deep conversation with a dark-skinned girl standing by the refrigerator, brown curly hair in a tight ponytail.

“Gwen! I thought I told you we would meet tomorrow,” Merlin says.

Hunith and the girl’s eyes snap towards Merlin, only the girl’s eyes go soft then worried in the span of a second. Gwen eyes the room and lands her gaze on Arthur before turning to Merlin, grabbing his arm. Arthur immediately doesn’t like her.

“I know, Merlin, but this couldn’t wait.”

“Just a moment! Mum, start the lesson, yeah?”

Hunith looks petrified for a moment, but Ygraine walks up and nudges her shoulder, and she springs into action.

“Right. So today, we’ll be making cheesecake.”

This is the part where Merlin and Arthur make fun of Ygraine for not knowing what to do, but since he isn’t here with him, Arthur stands by the fridge and tries to listen in to the conversation Gwen and Merlin are having. He can’t hear anything so he tries to inch forward without giving himself away.

“—sorry. But I can’t do this anymore, Merlin.”

“Gwen, please. We talked about this. You’re the only one I have left. I know it’s hard for you, but…”

“I just can’t, Merlin.” She’s sobbing. “You have to understand why I can’t.”

“Gwen, listen. You’re the best and I don’t trust anyone else but you. Please. _Please_ do this for me. It’s the whole reason I came down here. You said you would.”

“Merlin…”

“Arthur! Come here and tell Hunith that I do, in fact, know how to make scrambled eggs.”

Gwen’s brown, tear filled eyes stare at him while Merlin keeps on talking. He feels his face flame up as he makes his way to the kitchen, wondering what on Earth Merlin’s got going on with this girl.

They’ve finally agreed on how much sugar to put into the cheesecake mix when Gwen and Merlin appear from the room. Merlin looks about 10 years older and Gwen has fixed her face, but still looks solemn.

“I’m sorry for being rude and interrupting. Merlin and I had some unfinished business.”

“Not a problem at all, dear. I’m Ygraine, Arthur’s mother.”

She smiles, and Arthur realizes she’s beautiful. And when she reaches out her left hand for a handshake, he sees a glimmer coming from her ring finger. She’s married.

“I’ve heard about all of you. You must be Arthur, then.”

“Yes. You are? I’m afraid Merlin hasn’t mentioned you at all.”

He feels Ygraine’s foot against his calf, but he ignores it in exchange for any information he can get about this frustrating man.

“Ah, yes. I’m Gwen. Merlin…likes to keep his privacy. Let’s just say I’m someone he couldn’t live without, yeah?” She winks at him and Merlin chokes behind her. As he pulls her away, Gwen smiles at Arthur, completely ignoring Merlin’s whispered argument at her side.

So…she’s having an affair with Merlin? Or she’s married to Merlin, but having an affair with someone else?

“Arthur! That was so rude of you!” He ignores his mother though, and follows Merlin and Gwen to the front door. He misses Hunith’s elbow to Ygraine’s ribs and smirk on her face. She knows exactly what he was doing.

“—and please call before you come over next time!” Merlin shouts after the car pulling out of the driveway.

“Wouldn’t count on it.”

“Arthur!”

“So…she’s your wife?”

Merlin splutters.

“So you’re her mistress, then?”

Merlin coughs and pushes Arthur so he hits the pillar on the front porch.

“You’re ridiculous, Arthur! Gwen is just a very, very good friend of mine. And I told you I’m not telling you why I’m here.”

“I heard you, you know.”

Merlin stops fanning his face and stares at Arthur. Merlin looks old again, all of a sudden, aged and ready to submit to anything, ready to admit fault and run away. And it frightens Arthur that someone could be that scared of something. So he trudges carefully.

“I heard that she’s the reason you moved down here. And that she doesn’t want to do whatever it is you want, but you trust her for some reason. Said she’s the best.”

Merlin relaxes, but only just slightly.

“You’re right. I’m here to fix my marriage with Gwen. I cheated. And I realized that she was the most important thing to me. So I tracked her and found her here. I’ve been trying to win her back all this time.”

Arthur’s dizzy, all of a sudden. And his mind numbs, feeling like London when it rains. A stagnant downpour of things that makes sense, but don’t at all make him accept it. His heart, also, is beating to the rhythm of the downpour that’s started outside.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. So now you know. Will you leave it alone now?” Merlin walks inside, leaving Arthur standing under the porch, rain falling on his left shoulder from the droplets above him.

It still doesn’t make sense after he’s drowned himself in all the chocolate ice cream he had in the fridge. Even the rainbow sprinkles don’t help.

____________________

****

**_~~May-October_ **

Because of the cooking classes, Ygraine starts holding dinners at her house every Wednesday, encouraging everyone to come and help her figure out how she’s doing. The first few weeks, the family (including Merlin and Hunith, of course) takes turns choosing what kind of food to order because Ygraine’s cooking, sadly to say, was not at all edible. Until, of course, Merlin offered her some friendly advice (private tutoring) on a daily basis.

And because he was around her house more often, they got closer; even had a few inside jokes that made Arthur speechless when he walked in and found them both on the floor giggling. And when he asked what it was about, they would compose themselves and ignore him completely, coy smirks on their faces.

Even Alice was enraptured with Merlin’s unusually charming and bright personality. On the days when Ygraine cooked, Merlin would come prepared with loads of things; from magic tricks to stories about his college years. How it started of slow and painful, but he soon realized he wasn’t getting younger and there was a world of things to explore. He mentioned Will with a bittersweet expression, even exploited some of his more…daring conquests (with discretion, of course) when the children went to bed. And Arthur swears, that after every dinner, his mother and aunt would fight less and less. Even if it did mean ignoring each other for the most part.

Merlin also took a fancy to Morgana. Over the past few months she hasn’t been home all that much, but after Merlin started coming around, she stayed in the house more often. They were like brother and sister, bantering, laughing, even fighting till they were purple in the face. And on the days they went to the park with Leon and Arthur, they could be found on the top of the hill in intense conversation that almost always ended with Morgana giving him a long hug while Merlin wipes away trails of tears that relieve her mask.

 “I…I want to tell mom. But, Aunt Alice, she’s going to hate it. She already hates me and mom, and I don’t want her to get into any more trouble. It’s all my fault she hates mom. I know that,” Morgana says one day.

“Hey. Morgana, it’s not your fault at all. Your mother adopted you because she _loves_ you. She picked you out of everyone else for a reason. She chose to protect you, to love you especially. It’s not your fault if your Aunt can’t accept that. You’re special, love. Everyone can see that. Except your Aunt.”

She smiles at Merlin, the now familiar tears forming at the crease of her jade eyes.

“But, I want to tell someone, Merlin. I want to let someone know how I feel about Freya. I’m—I’m not ready to tell her because I want my family to know I love her and that she makes me who I am.”

“You don’t have to look for approval from anyone, Morgana. As long as you love her and she loves you back, that should be enough for the both of you.”

She ponders, looking up into the gloomy sky when a thought crosses Merlin’s mind.

“Hey, why don’t you talk to Arthur?”

“Arthur?”

“He’s your brother, isn’t he?”

“Yeah…but…”

“But what? Arthur loves you like anything, Morgana. I hardly think he would stop loving you if you told him you’re gay.”

She stares at him long and hard, decision made as soon as Merlin mentioned it, and gives him a hug. It’s different with Merlin. Everything feels all right. Everything feels like it’s going to get better.

“I’m glad you’re here, Merlin.”

She kisses him on the cheek before she runs towards Leon and Arthur who are waving them both to come down and play.

“So am I.”

Merlin grew exponentially close with Leon. After they talked, they spent more time together. When Arthur was at work, they would take walks in the park, go to the zoo (where Merlin learned much more than he wanted about seahorses), watch movies and cry about their deepest fears. And Leon, Merlin learned, was really a special kid. He was smart, funny, more mature than a first grader, which was no surprise at all, and a rascal when it came to Merlin’s feelings about Arthur. There were still under the breath comments and pokes and prods when Merlin stared too long or coughed at the wrong times, but every tease was not without meaning. They were best friends—something Merlin thought he would never have again.

And Arthur…

After Leon was put to bed, they would share a dinner and talk. They would also stare and pine, not that the other would mention it, and maybe even flirt when they felt particularly daring. But some nights, when Merlin was particularly pine-y, he would write a note to Arthur on top of his dinner, saying he had a meeting, and run off to meet Gwen. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it.

As summer ended, the days at Arthur’s work slowed down considerably, and Merlin, Arthur and Leon would walk in the park, running off of the energy Leon had saved up to spend with his dad. There would be days of kite flying, Frisbee throwing, in which Merlin would barely run—even after being teased by Arthur relentlessly—but mostly, they would all go to the park after dinner, grab ice cream and sit on the hills, making up crazy stories about the stars in the sky. And if Arthur walked back quietly, if a little forlornly, neither Leon or Merlin said a thing.

When school started up again, Merlin met with Gwen after finishing his chores at Arthur’s house, asking and pestering because he needed answers and help. And Gwen would do her best to give them to him. But they both knew what they needed was time—something Merlin didn’t have much more of.

**_~~November_ ** **_16 th _**

It’s Merlin’s birthday. A day he hasn’t celebrated since his college years. He would always, though, buy a cake and put on a movie while he cried and binged. So this year, he expected no different.

After helping Leon with his homework, Merlin suggested putting on a movie for him while he made dinner, but Leon insisted he wanted to eat Hunith’s cooking. So Merlin locked up the house and entered his own, only to fall on his ass when all of his friends and family come out from behind the couch with “SURPRISE!” and laughter falling from their mouths.

He was speechless the rest of the night, but was a splendid host, going around saying “thank you for coming”. “Do you need a refill?” “I’m sure there’s more cheese here somewhere.” His mother said nothing about it, hiding in a corner, tissue in her hand the whole night.

But Arthur, Arthur was at his side through most of it, handing out the cheese, refilling the drinks. He constantly made Merlin laugh when he wasn’t smiling, and when he came out of the bathroom (after trying, and failing, to get his shit together), Arthur gave him a hug.

“Thank you, Merlin.”

Merlin hugged him back, letting a tear fall, regaining composure, but it all fell apart when Arthur hugged him tighter.

“What for? I should be thanking you for throwing thi—”

“Morgana told me. That she’s gay. That you convinced her to tell me.”

Merlin pulled back. “Convinced her? Arthur, I talked to her. She hardly needed convincing. I’m sure she was planning on telling you even before she told me.”

Arthur met Merlin’s eyes with tears, vulnerability falling out of every crease the man had.

“Merlin, I—thank you. I don’t know how or why, but you’ve—you’ve helped me so much. I don’t know what I did to deserve a f-friend like you.”

Merlin swallows down the sobs like he swallows a pill. “You deserve better than me, Arthur.”

His golden eyebrows crease, tulip-colored lips forming a question that’s never spoken. Morgana comes up and smiles brighter than he’s ever seen.

“I told mum too. And she still loves me. Just like you said, Merlin.”

He wipes at her cheeks, rubbing away the last of the mask she wears, and all he sees of the crowd in his house is love. And he’s 100% sure he doesn’t deserve a penny of it.

“Best birthday gift ever.”

But Arthur’s eyes never leave his for the rest of the night.

**~~December 24 th **

It’s Christmas eve afternoon when Merlin finds out the truth about Morgana. Hunith gets a letter marked “Private and Confidential” in the mailbox addressed to Ygraine’s house, but she accidentally opens it because she wanted to know what stupid scam this was all about.

Merlin comes back from Christmas shopping for their dinner tonight and finds his mother in tears on the floor. He takes the letter from her hands, reads over it and runs straight to Ygraine’s house. They talk until Morgana comes down to open her presents. She’s always been impatient, Ygraine tells him.

They cry as she hugs them, thanking Merlin for the gift—a safe sex book for lesbians—and the engraved necklace that reads _Morgana Pendragon_ from her mother _._

The next morning, after everyone goes their ways to take their Christmas nap—Hunith cooked a _lot_ of food—Merlin and Arthur are walking back to Arthur’s with a sleepy Leon because he left Merlin’s gift at home.

“It’s not even wrapped. And here I went through all the trouble of evening putting Christmas tinsel on yours,” Merlin jokes.

Arthur shoves him and rolls his eyes but laughs all the same.

“Shut up and open it, Merlin.”

When he does, the box falls from his hands onto the kitchen table.

“Arthur, I can’t take th—”

“Merlin, please. Just—”

Arthur lifts the extravagant pen, dragons and the name _Uther Pendragon_ engraved on it, and places it in Merlin’s palms.

“You always complain about how you don’t have a decent pen to write with. And my father, he got this pen from an antique store one day when I was young. He would only ever write with this. He said it was magical.”

And it shouldn’t surprise him that Arthur still makes his heart leap into his throat, but he is. He swallows down another lump in his throat.

“But Arthur, I can’t take this. Not from you. You’ve—you’ve already given me so much.”

Arthur lifts up Merlin’s chin with warm fingers, and Merlin can’t breathe when he looks into his eyes.

“You’ve given me so much more.”

When Arthur’s crystal eyes drop to Merlin’s lips, Merlin chokes back a sob and looks down at Arthur’s. When there’s breath on his cheek, Merlin looks cross-eyed at Arthur, who looks the same. They don’t flinch when Merlin’s phone rings. And Arthur doesn’t move his hand from where it is on Merlin’s thigh until Merlin stands up, wishing for the millionth time that he could wish away Arthur’s pain and the shattered look on his face when he says,

“It’s Gwen.”

~~~M~~~

“Merlin, I can’t take you pretending like this anymore. It’s so obvious how much you love Arthur. I think it’s time you told him about yourself.”

Gwen and Merlin are out for lunch, but they’re supposed to be talking about them, not problems that Merlin’s heart can’t stand. It’s gotten worse ever since Christmas. Arthur won’t hold eye contact with him for more than 5 seconds now.

“Gwen, I don’t think I can take it. Imagine if he yells at me! Or he says he never wants to see me again. Or if he thinks I tricked him into being with Leon! Gwen, he can _not_ find out. About anything.”

“But you told his son!”

“Only because I thought Leon would run and tell Arthur. It’s better that he knows before, anyway. I don’t think he would’ve handled my leaving all too well.”

“Stop…stop _saying_ it like that! Say it for what it is, Merlin. You’re not sixteen anymore.”

“What, Gwen? That I’m going to die? Is that better? I’m dying, and I can’t tell the man I love that I love him because he might reject me for being creepy? Or kill me because I didn’t give him all the time he deserves? My heart can’t take that, Gwen! My heart can barely take it when he looks at me everyday! I would give anything, _fucking anything_ to be sixteen again and pretend like this never happened. To go up to Arthur and say, ‘I fucking love you, you stupid prat’. So excuse me if I’m taking it this way, Gwen. Excuse me for wanting to believe I have longer to live, that my heart isn’t actually this fucking weak.”

Thank God they’re sitting outside. It’s raining, so there’s no one outside to listen to him whine about his condition. And he feels bad too, because poor Gwen didn’t do anything to be yelled at.

“Merlin, y-you know I’m trying to find an organ donor. I’m trying my best. And I know you’re going to make it! Dammit, Merlin, I’ll give you my own heart!

Merlin chuckles as he wipes his tears. “We don’t have the same blood type, Gwen.”

“I can’t see you this way anymore. It’s killing me that you’re not happy. You would’ve been so much happier if you stayed in California.”

“No. I would’ve been miserable.”

Gwen sighs as she wipes her eyes as well before answering her phone.

“Yes, Lance? No, I’m with Merlin. Yeah. I’ll be there soon. I love you.” She hangs up the phone and stands up, leaving money on the table.

“I’m to go shopping with Lance. It’s our anniversary—January 14th.”

“I know, Gwen. I sent you flowers this morning. You two were probably just too busy having Anniversary Sex.”

She blushes, but goes on. “If you need anything, call me, okay? I’ll see you Monday.”

Merlin gets up and kisses her cheek before heading back home. He grabs a glass from the pantry when he gets back and is about to take his medicine when he hears the front door slam open.

“Mum? Is that you?”

He turns around and nearly drops his glass when he sees Arthur standing two feet from him, eyes angry and unforgiving.

“A-Arthur. What are you—”

“Gwaine told me. He told me you saved me in California when I was drunk. Fucking pushed me out of the way of an 18-wheeler.”

Merlin swallows and turns to the kitchen counter, placing his glass of water on it. He can feel his heart beat pick up. He’s not going to make it through this, is he?

“Oh?”

“Don’t ‘oh’ me, Merlin. Why the _fuck_ did I not know about this? Why did you never tell me?!”

“It wasn’t important, Arthur.”

“Of course it was fucking important, Merlin! Did you come here to find me? To stalk me?! Gwaine said you were obsessed with me! You wrote poems about me and posted them all around campus, hoping no one would realize they were about me, didn’t you? You fucking creep. I let you take care of Leon! LEON! Without knowing who you were.”

“Arthur, it’s not—”

“Were you toying with me? This whole time? Was it all just an act?”

Merlin’s eyes shoot up to meet Arthur’s. “What did you say?”

“Was it all an act? Did you pretend to not know who I was to get closer to me? What was your plan? To completely turn my life upside down and leave with _Gwen_ after making me fa—”

Arthur squeezes his eyes shut and takes in a long breath, and Merlin copies him because…

“Was this payback?” Arthur says softly.

Merlin’s eyes snap open.

“W-what did you say?”

“Was it—”

“How could you _possibly_ think I was trying to take revenge on you, Arthur?! You _know_ me. I’m the same exact person I was in college! You just never saw me.”

“So this was about getting noticed?”

“IT WAS ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW YOU, ARTHUR! I’ve wanted to get to know you since I saw you in freshman year orientation! You—you were perfect. I saw you, but you never once looked my way.”

Arthur swallows, and Merlin grabs the counter to brace himself for whatever is about to come out of Arthur’s mouth.

“Yeah? Well consider this ‘getting to know you’ scam over. We’re done. Stay. The fuck. Away. From my family.”

Arthur walks out, slamming the door behind him.

Merlin turns around and takes his medicine, but he doesn’t think it’ll help. His heart is already in his throat, and his mind wanders from the ugly white on the cabinets to how Arthur’s eyes looked like the azaleas he grew in therapy last spring. Then he thinks about how he may never see any kind of blue again.

~~~A~~~

It’s Valentine’s Day. Arthur stares at the couples in the mall, arms around each other, small kisses here and there, and he feels Leon’s hand squeeze his. He looks down at his son and smiles. Arthur’s been in a mood since he told off Merlin, and Leon’s been his rock. He’s been behaving, listening and not causing any problems for the new sitter. He’s been quiet too, now that he thinks about it. But it could just be because he’s a growing boy.

He hasn’t been as torn up about losing Merlin as he thought. When Arthur sat him down for dinner day last month and told him that Merlin wouldn’t be his babysitter anymore, Leon looked down, said okay and continued to finish his dinner. He even ate his broccoli.

“What about this one, dad?” Leon says. He’s pointing to a simple heart keychain with two broken pieces, _I love you_ written across both.

“Hmm, I don’t think Gran will like that. Let’s look for earrings, maybe? Or a necklace?”

Leon shrugs. “Okay. I’m going to go this way.” He lets go of his hand and walks past a woman who looks very familiar.

“Gwen?”

She turns around and looks surprised. “Arthur! It is Arthur, right?”

“Yes, hi. How have you been?”

“Great, thanks! I’m here with my husband. You shopping for someone?”

“Husband? Merlin’s here, then?” he tries not to punch her in the face as he says Merlin’s name.

“Merlin? No! Why would Merlin be here? Lance? Lance, come here, honey.”

Arthur turns towards the bloke walking towards them. He has shoulder length hair and a face that’s way too kind for this harsh world.

“Lance, this is Arthur, Merlin’s friend.”

“Oh, _you’re_ Arthur! It’s nice to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much about you from Gwen and Merlin.”

“Did—are—Are you _cheating_ on Merlin, Gwen?”

The thing is, they laugh when he says that. “Oh, I hope not! We just celebrated our 8th anniversary last month!” Gwen says.

What?

“It’s actually Merlin who introduced us. He was in therapy—Gwen was his doctor and I just broke my leg. I was pining after her, and he told me to man up and go after her because not everyone has the luxury of time.”

“Lance—,” Gwen whispers, tugging on his arm. Arthur eyes Gwen before he turns back to Lance. She looks uncomfortable.

“I didn’t know until after we got together that he was dying without having confessed to the man he loved. But it’s nice to know that he finally got to meet you, Arthur. All we’ve heard are great things about you and Leon. Arthur? Are you okay?”

He turns around and tries to piece everything together. Stupid Merlin. He didn’t even say anything. Why?

But he stops in the middle of the store when he realizes that Arthur was just too stupid to see it—Merlin said everything. He was a private person, never shared anything if he wasn’t asked to. Even with Arthur. He always took pills that Arthur made fun of him for, for being such a health nut. He never drank. He never ran after Leon or Arthur in the park. And now, the things Merlin said to him that first night they spoke echo in his mind: _I know what it feels like to have your life end before it’s even begun. I know what it’s like to focus on life like today’s the only chance you have to make everything right._

A hand on his arm stops him from breaking out into a run to Merlin’s house to give him a piece of his mind.

“Arthur, he wanted to help before he—he…,” Gwen starts to say before she breaks down in tears. Lance wraps her in his arms when Leon comes up and grabs his hand, pulling at his arm, motioning for him to bend down. Leon wipes at Arthur’s face and cradles his face in his small palms. Arthur can’t help but choke on a sob.

“He loves you, daddy. He just didn’t want to hurt you. He’s waiting for you to realize that.”

“What?”

Leon laughs and bops Arthur’s forehead. “He’s waiting for you, silly. Go see him.”

Arthur squeezes Leon into a hug before he sprints out of the shop, cursing Merlin all the way home.

When he finally gets to the front door, he doesn’t know what to do. He tries the doorknob and finds it open. He takes a deep breath before he pushes the door open and calls out for Merlin.

“Are you here? The door was unlocked, so I’m com—Merlin? Merlin! MERLIN!”

The black head of hair is staring at him in the face from the floor. He picks up the landline and calls 999 as he cradles Merlin’s head in his lap, trying to find a heartbeat.

He’s cold, but the moment his hand touches his wrist, he finds a pulse.

It’s screaming Arthur’s name.

***

He waits by the bedside for two days for Merlin to wake up. His mom comes in and tells him everything.

“He was absolutely fascinated with you,” she says as she shakes her head, smile on her face. Her eyes are still trained on her son, who now only looks like a child. Because the burdens he carried fell off of him the moment he hit the floor.

“He would write to me—he loved writing letters—about you every day, and the day he saved you, he called to say it was hopeless. That you would never notice him because you were way out of his league. When you left, he was heartbroken. He came home that break and he would just sit in his room, typing away the stories in that big brain of his.

“He fainted out of the blue a couple months after graduation. He was running around chasing a dog. I swear, he’s still a kid even if he’s 24 now. The doctors told us it was heart failure. Apparently it’s genetic. His good-for-nothing father had it, I guess. But they said there were treatments he could try to try and make his heart stronger. He tried different treatments for four years, but nothing was working. He met Gwen and Lance at a hospital one year. Gwen said she had a friend in London who could possibly help out with finding a heart donor, but he couldn’t be sure for a while. So we tried therapy for two years before we finally got the call last year and moved up here. It was pure coincidence that you happened to be our neighbors.

“When he met you that night, I thought he would die right then and there.” Hunith laughs though, trying to make light of it. But it doesn’t work for either of them.

“He was over the moon about seeing you again, but he knew after he met you that you needed help—that you were too much of a prat to ask for it. He swore to me that day that he would try his best to help you all. And I told him he was crazy, but he tried his best anyway.”

She grabs his arm and looks him straight in the eyes. “Arthur, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry we never told you about who Merlin really was. All he wanted to do—his last…”

Hunith’s sobs nearly do Arthur in. He was already fragile, looking at Merlin, pale and so lifeless. It didn’t suit him.

“His last wish was to be friends with you, Arthur. To get to know you. I’m sorry it turned out so badly.”

Arthur doesn’t know he’s crying until he feels Hunith’s rough fingers swiping under his eyes, tormented smile on her face, lip quivering.

“Great. I make your mum happy, but you make mine cry. You really are a prat, aren’t you?”

Merlin’s quip has Hunith break out in full sobs, squeezing the life back into her son while Arthur stands motionless, watching Merlin fall out of his cocoon to become what she needs in that moment.

“What did we talk about mum, hmm? I’m not dead yet, am I?” he says sarcastically. But her hand seems to squeeze his that much harder, so Merlin sits up and cups her cheek in his large palm.

“Not a tear before I leave. You promised.”

And Hunith, bless her soul, smiles immediately, and Arthur can’t tell if it’s fake or not.

“I’ll give you some time with Arthur, hmm? I’ll be back, love.” She kisses him on the cheek and squeezes Arthur on the shoulder before she leaves the room.

“Now you’ll pity me and give me a day off, won’t you?” Merlin says after a while of awkward silence.

“You’ve had about a month off, slacker.”

“Yeah, well I had an asshole of a boss.”

“You’re not wrong there.”

They chuckle, and Arthur makes his way to the side of Merlin’s bed.

“So…” Merlin starts.

“Merlin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I know you, and I know you wouldn’t do anything to harm Leon. I was just angry that _Gwaine_ told me about you. If anything, I wanted to hear that you liked me from you.”

“Why? So you could humiliate me further?”

Arthur takes a deep breath in, then raises his palm to cup Merlin’s cheek, turning it so he can face him. His eyes are glazed with unfallen tears, but Arthur can’t see anything but love.

“So I could tell you that I like you too, idiot.”

And instead of gasping and swooning, like Arthur thought he would, Merlin’s face contorts into an ugly scowl, brows tightening, angry tears spilling over and rejection written all over.

“Don’t fucking pity me, Arthur. I might be dying, but I don’t want that kind of pity from you.”

Arthur jumps up and straddles Merlin, pinning his thin arms to the hospital bed before he can punch him in the face. And when he settles down, Arthur leans down and whispers in Merlin’s ear.

“The moment you walked in my door with your nerdy glasses, Merlin, I knew I was gone. And every day since then, it only made me like you so much more. I haven’t felt this way since Sophia…and we both know how ridiculous she was. I—I didn’t know what to do, Merlin. I had all of these… _feelings_ , and then you told me that Gwen was your wife and you were trying to win her back…”

He raises his eyes to Merlin’s and finds him relaxed, but face expressionless.

“I didn’t know what to do. Here I was, pining after you and I thought you would never notice me.”

Merlin chuckles. “And here _I_ was trying to get you to notice _me_.”

Arthur sighs. “I’m sorry, Merlin. Can you for—”

“Let’s just admit we’re both idiots, yeah?”

Merlin’s lips turn up into a soft smile, something Arthur hasn’t seen for too long. So he leans down to kiss him, like he’s wanted to do for so long.

But all he feels is a finger.

He pouts. “I want to kiss you, Merlin.”

Merlin’s eyes change to a ravenous black but still filled with affection while his fingers trace Arthur’s lips.

“Believe me, I do too. More than anything, Arthur. But I—I don’t want to start something I can’t follow through on.”

Arthur raises his eyebrows. “You mean sex? Because I’d be more than happy to—”

Merlin colors, and his heart monitor speeds up as his eyes close and Arthur feels something underneath him stiffen.

“I mean a relationship, Arthur. I don’t know how long I have left, but I don’t want to start anything. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.”

“Merlin, you do realize that’s stupid, right? I don’t care how much longer you have! I want you, Merlin. For as long as I can get.”

His eyes don’t open, but the heart monitor speeds up to the point where nurses are rushing in to sedate him.

“Merlin, I—”

“Arthur, please. Let’s just talk about this later, yeah?”

“Merlin, I want to spend time with you. We let this much of it get away, and I—”

“Daddy?”

Arthur turns around to find Leon, Morgana and Ygraine all staring at Merlin and him with confused expressions.

“Hey, bud,” he says as he climbs off of the bed.

“How’s Merlin doing?”

“I’m fine champ. Just exhaustion. I’ve been working long hours as a waiter, something I haven’t done for a while. I haven’t been able to get enough sleep. That’s all.”

Arthur opens his mouth to protest, but Merlin’s eyes are piercing his; a silent dare. And when he sees relief fall over Ygraine and Morgana’s face, he understands. Leon grasps Arthur’s hand and squeezes it, fear in his eyes as he looks up at Arthur.

“He’ll be all right, bud,” he whispers softly.

Leon gives him a weak smile in return, but smirks when he sees Merlin staring at Arthur. Something like affection on his face.

****

It’s been a week since Merlin’s been out of the hospital. It’s also been a week since he’s back to looking after Leon, and a week where instead of dinner, Merlin and Arthur cuddle on the couch, lazy kisses on the head and cheek while Merlin tells Arthur about himself. Arthur laughs and comforts Merlin. And in return, he tells Merlin about his father, his mother and aunt, and how he felt trying to fix them all.

It’s also been a week since Ygraine invited Hunith over on a daily basis to help her cook more, because she has an inkling that Hunith is worried about Merlin. And it’s exactly a week when the calm ends and the storm begins.

~~~Morgana~~~

Morgana puts down her pen and tiptoes away from her homework, craning her neck outside of her room to hear whatever argument is going on now. She doesn’t know why she does this to herself, honestly. She’s known since the moment she walked into the house with Ygraine what her aunt thinks of her, but instead of steering clear of her, it’s like she encourages it. Why? Morgana has no clue.

But this time, the argument she hears stirs something inside of her—it’s not the normal one. It’s bigger than her. And it gets her anxious. So she walks down the first flight of stairs, trying to make out what’s going on.

“—tell her about Uther?! She doesn’t need to know the truth!”

“Because we’re friends, Alice. Hunith and Merlin are practically family, and you know it! They deserve nothing but the truth! And the truth is that Uther committed suicide.”

“Truth? You want them to know the truth?! How about this then, hmm? Hunith, it’s all Ygraine’s fault that my brother died! She brought in that—”

“DON’T you fucking _dare_ bring Morgana into this, Alice. This was _never_ about her! She’s innocent, and she loves you even though you’re absolutely terrible to her!”

“I don’t give a damn! It’s both of your fault that Uther is dead! He was doing just fine until he met your sorry ass.”

“Alice, please, I loved Uther. You know that!”

Suddenly, a sound echoes in the eerie house. And Morgana’s gut churns, because she knows that sound.

“Ygraine! Are you all right?”

“Don’t you _dare_ say you loved my brother. You and that bitch are just leeches. You’ve always been leeches to our family.”

Morgana muffles her sob with her hand as she carefully runs out of the house. Ygraine did not deserve this. After what she’s done for her. So she runs to the only other person who knows the truth, hoping he can fix this last hurdle.

She runs inside Arthur’s house to find Merlin and Arthur on the sofa, arms wrapped around each other—asleep. She almost doesn’t wake them, enjoying the fact that they’ve finally set aside their differences and admitted their attraction to each other. But the disgusting sound of the slap echoes in her mind.

“Merlin. Merlin, please wake up!”

Both of their eyes shoot open blearily, but one look at her face and they’re both alert and ready.

Merlin stands up, hand patting her head. “Morgana, what’s wrong?”

“It’s mum and Alice, Merlin. They’re fighting, but…it’s the worst it’s ever been. I—I think it’s time.”

They hold eyes, creating confirmation, assurance and understanding, completely ignoring Arthur’s questions.

“Arthur, come on.”

They run to the house, just in time to find Ygraine sitting at the kitchen table, the side of her face pink, Hunith behind her crying, and Alice’s arm up in the air, no doubt ready to smack down again.

“Alice! Stop!”

The room turns to look at Merlin, but Alice only ignores him to stare down at Ygraine, scolding her.

“Shut up, boy. You don’t know anything about our family. You don’t know what this bitch did! You don’t know the real reason I lost my brother! It’s all her fault!”

Morgana grabs Arthur in a hug as he motions to trail after Merlin, who’s making his way towards Alice, stony expression on his face. Arthur looks down at her, and Morgana shakes her head and mouths _trust me. Trust Merlin._

“It’s _you_ who don’t know the truth, Alice.”

Ygraine’s head snaps up to Merlin, then turns towards Morgana. And it’s all Morgana can do to not run into her mother’s arms and let her know everything will be okay.

“Merlin…”

Morgana’s heart melts and muffles a sob into Arthur’s shirt as Merlin leans down and kisses Ygraine on her raw cheek. She sobs, and turns into Hunith’s open embrace. And Morgana can’t help but thank the gods that they sent Merlin. After years and years of praying, Morgana couldn’t have hoped for a more perfect time.

“Ygraine is stronger than you give her credit for, Alice. The _real_ truth is something she’s had to deal with by herself all of these years.”

“What, the truth of all the mistakes my brother has made?! The first was marrying this bitch! And adopting that cretin was his second!”

“He also made a third, Alice,” Merlin said, eyes and voice soft while his fingers are buried into his fist.

“Who the fuck are you to butt into our family matters, Merlin? What makes you worthy of that?”

“I’m no one. I’m just trying to help out someone who’s voice should have been heard a long time ago. A truth that you should have known since she walked into the house. And that is that Uther had an affair. And the result of that affair is standing right there, stronger than any sixteen-year-old should ever have to be. Morgana.”

Morgana digs her face into Arthur’s shirt, not wanting to see the reaction from her family. How she’s dirty, unwanted. But she feels Arthur’s arms tighten around her, warm and safe.

“N-no. It can’t be.”

“You wanted the truth, Alice? This is the fucking truth. So listen. Morgana lived with her birth mother until you all adopted her. She was dying of cancer, and all of her money was going into her treatments, which left nothing for Morgana. So she wrote Ygraine, asking if she could take care of her. And _that_ is what Uther couldn’t stand. That even after he made a mistake, Ygraine _chose_ to forgive him and accept Morgana as her own. Why? Because she still loved Uther and this family. Because she knew it wasn’t Morgana’s fault. It’s not her fault that Uther messed up, that he wasn’t careful. Because she knew Morgana needed love more than herself. And that guilt Uther had to live with every day…that guilt is what made him take his own life.”

When she hears crinkling of paper, Morgana shoots a look at her mother and runs to her, whispering “thank you” and “I’m sorry” as she cries into her shoulder. And like always, all Ygraine does is hug her tight, kiss her head, and chant “I love you. I love you”.

_“Dear Ygraine,_

_I know that every letter I’ve sent to you since that day has only been for Morgana, but this…this letter is for you. I could never understand why you took in Morgana without hesitation, but now on my death bed, I realize that you loved him more than I ever could. And for that, I am sorry._

_You’re so strong, Ygraine. To be able to live looking at Morgana as a reminder that Uther was at fault. Many women have the strength to forgive their husbands for their mistakes, but not all have the courage to accept the mistake and shower so much love on her, on my Morgana, to make her feel like she wasn’t a mistake at all. That she is truly loved as your daughter. Something I could not give to her. I’ll be forever indebted to you, Ygraine. In the next life, and the lives after that._

_They say that the man who makes the mistake should be able to pay the price for it, but Ygraine, you’ve been paying his price since the moment Morgana walked through your door. And it’s all because of me. I’m so sorry, Ygraine. I hope you can find it within you to forgive me. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much pain. But thank you for giving her a mother. A life. A home._

_Goodbye, for the last time._

_Nimueh”_

Morgana feels a hand on her shoulder and looks up to find Alice staring at her, arms wide open, and a face full of acceptance. And she runs into her embrace, falling apart, while her family stands behind her. She whispers muffled sounds into her chest, but Alice shushes her with kisses on her head and words of apologies. And when she opens her eyes, Morgana finds Merlin in the corner, watching her family hug and love with pain in his eyes. She mouths _thank you_ to him, and he winks before he disappears from the cocoon to fly away.

***

After a very emotional and tasty dinner (courtesy of Hunith), Morgana goes up to sleep, heart full of the three “I love you’s” she’s never had. But she stays at the foot of the stairs when she hears Ygraine sobbing again.

“He—he was a good man, Alice. Arthur, he was good. And he l-loved me.”

“He did, dear.”

“He ju-just made a mistake. That’s all. That’s all! I loved him. I love him still. You know that, right, Alice?”

“Oh, Ygraine, I’m so sorry.”

When Morgana peeks around the corner, she sees Arthur with his arms around Alice and Ygraine. And Ygraine with her arms around Alice whispering “thank you” and “I’m sorry” as she cries into her shoulder. And Alice hugs her tight, kisses her head, and chants “I love you. I love you”.

~~~M~~~

Merlin tries to sleep. He got a text from his mother that she’s staying over Ygraine’s house to take care of her, so he’s at home by himself, trying to come up with a reason why he didn’t tell Arthur about Morgana. And also terribly relieved that Leon is at a sleep over so he didn’t have to witness the whole thing. He really has to stop keeping secrets.

So he’s surprised when he hears the doorbell. He makes his way downstairs and sees Arthur with his face in his hand, shoulders slumped, but small smile on his face.

“A-Arthur, what are you doing here?”

“Merlin, when are you going to kiss me?”

And after everything that just happened, that was about the last thing he thought Arthur would say.

“Arthur, come inside. You’re tired.”

Arthur looks up at that and chuckles when he looks down at Merlin.

Merlin blushes when he realizes that Arthur’s staring at his bright pink boxers with countless images of a man and woman in a 69 position.

“They—they were a gag gift from Will.”

Arthur shakes his head as he steps inside, locking the door behind him. He crowds Merlin against the wall by the staircase and Merlin suddenly feels too alive to be dying.

“You’re not making this any easier for me, you know. I’ve been wanting to jump you since you got out of the hospital,” Arthur whispers at Merlin’s ear.

Merlin chokes and blushes. “Arthur, we talked about this.”

He huffs out a laugh and takes a step back from Merlin, frown forming on his face. So Merlin rests his forehead on Arthur’s, hands coming around his waist.

“Arthur…”

“You’re a prat, you know that?” he says softly. Merlin shivers as the little puffs of air kiss his forehead.

“I told you that I’ve been waiting for you since September with the hopes that you’d at least notice me. Then you did. And then you became part of my family. You _fixed_ us. Just now. And now we’re happy. You’ve fallen in love with all of us, and everyone has fallen in love with you, Merlin. But you never once said anything to me about being in love with me.”

Merlin gasps and when Arthur tries to pull away, he grabs Arthur’s hips harder and twists him so Arthur’s back is at the wall with nowhere to escape.

“Don’t give me that, you bastard. You _know_ I’ve been in love with you since college. You _know_ that I’ve been pining after you and your fucking ass since then. How _dare_ you think I don’t love you. How dare you tell me that you don’t know anything about that. You don’t know what I’ve been through, Arthur. The last thing I want to do to you is hurt you. Do you think this is easy for me?”

“Hurt me? Merlin, you’re already hurting me.” Merlin looks up at Arthur, confused and a little bit terrified with the emotions he sees in his gray eyes.

“I _love_ you.”

“W-what?”

“I’m in love with you, you idiot. You’re hurting me by not letting me love you. By not letting me touch you. I don’t care how long you have left to live, Merlin. I don’t care if you’re heart’s broken and weak like the rest of you. All I know is when you look at me, I don’t want anything to change. I want you to stare at me as long as you can. I want to have the memory of you looking at me like—like I’m loved. Like I’m enough. Like you don’t need anything else but me. So what are you really scared, of? Hmm? Because you’ve got me here, and I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

He feels thumbs caress his cheek, wiping away the burning tears and suddenly, Merlin feels like he’s to die any moment. His heart is aching, but it feels too good to be like this. To be how he’s wanted to be for so long. But...

“Arthur, I do—” he sobs as he rests his forehead on Arthur’s again. “I don’t want to leave you again. I don’t want to be the one to leave you. If I have you, I’m never gonna let go. I don’t _want_ to let go, Arthur. I—”

He feels fingers on his chin, and soon his eyes are looking into Arthur’s. And when he looks into his eyes, he sees the gardens he saw before. The light, the spring, the beauty. And then he understands. He gets it.

“I don’t want you to.”

*

_Tell me._

“I love you.”

_Tell me, please._

Their first kiss is soft, lips barely against each other, rivulets of salt in between, hands shaking, hearts racing. But it feels like it will last forever.

_Tell me that we’ll be okay._

Merlin grabs Arthur’s face and parts the kiss. “You know I love you, right?”

“Always.”

So Arthur grabs Merlin’s face and kisses him hard, lips between lips, tongues gliding against each other, hands mapping out places they knew were there but confused as to how to hold something so precious for the first time.

_Tell me we’ll make it._

Arthur tugs on Merlin’s hair, pulling him in closer, so Merlin goes, legs in between Arthur’s. Rubbing up at the want, the desire Arthur’s showing.

_Tell me it was worth it._

“I love you,” Arthur says over and over again. Once as he bites Merlin’s neck. Once as he pushes Merlin on the staircase. Once as he palms his cock.

_Tell me it’ll hurt._

Merlin gasps and sighs at the feeling of Arthur, all of Arthur over him. How he holds his cock gently, how he bites at him unforgivingly. How he licks inside of him copiously.

_Tell me it’ll be perfect._

Their names echo as they ride against each other; Arthur thrusting in while Merlin thrusts up. Clothes half on, half off, but lips on lips and heart on heart, trying to become one as they say the magic words.

And when they come, they come together, eyes fluttering, hearts stuttering, mouths tangling, eyes swelling.

_Tell me._

Because it’s all they ever wanted. It’s all they could have wished for.

_Please tell me you love me._

And when they’re in bed, as Merlin makes Arthur his, as Arthur submits to love, as Arthur shows his love too, they achieve the impossible.

_Because I love you._

Because love, love is a strange thing. It pulls you and tears you, wears you down and hurts you. It makes you greedy and selfish, but it makes you happy and whole.

_And if leave before I tell you,_

And when you get it, when you both find it, nothing’s the same.

You’re still selfish and greedy, you’re still broken and hurt,

_Tell_ me _so I can go in peace._

But you would do anything so your lover is happy and whole, not broken like you.

So, it lives on forever.

_Because I want you to love me too._

______________

The next few months go on like a happy montage in a film. Morgana and Alice bond over things they never had the chance to, and Hunith has gladly taken a back seat to cooking lessons as Alice helps Ygraine make Uther’s favorite dish. Morgana comes out to the family as a whole, and gets the biggest group hug that haunts her in her dreams, scared that it was all a joke. But those nights, she calls Freya, tells her she loves her, and everything is okay again.

Merlin and Arthur go on dates while Leon mysteriously starts having sleepovers almost every weekend. Merlin tells Arthur that Leon isn’t eight in real life.

“His soul is probably a horny 20-year-old’s.”

“Merlin, can we please _not_ talk about my son being horny? It’s the last thing I want to think about right now.”

“Did I tell you what he said to me the first day on the job? He told me you were bisexual after you came down the stairs without your pants on and I couldn’t stop drooling over your thighs.”

“You mean these thighs?”

They didn’t speak more of the matter.

 

They go for dinners, movies, walks in the park, even have lazy Sunday mornings where they make use of the acoustics of the house, screaming and sighing each other names. They also have days where they just sit on the sofa, watch a movie, and with every passing second, their grip on one another tightens, as if they’re going to slip away in a minute.

They find out new things about each other, some of which the other didn’t even know about themselves. Like, for example, when Leon and Arthur both got the flu, Arthur figured out he had a doctor kink. He followed Merlin to the pharmacy after he fed them both chicken soup and put Leon to bed, whispering dirty things in Merlin’s ear while he picked up more medication.

“I think you need to check my temperature again, doctor. I don’t think it was accurate from my mouth.” Arthur’s behind Merlin, arms wrapped around him, cock right at his ass when he starts humping his back.

“Arthur, not here,” Merlin whispers. But he tilts his head back on Arthur’s shoulder so he can lick and bite across Merlin’s long neck. He moans and pushes his butt against the friction, wanting more. So Arthur grabs Merlin’s arm and leads him to the public bathrooms.

They don’t make it there. The back of the store is empty, for it being a Wednesday afternoon in the month of March, but it echoes with the moans Arthur leaves on the wall as Merlin licks at his hole, one hand on his ass and the other bringing off Arthur’s cock.

“Fuck, Merlin, come on. Anyone could come back here any minute.”

Arthur shivers when he feels Merlin’s chuckle vibrate through his hole and gasps when Merlin is suddenly humping him, mouth at Arthur’s neck.

“I don’t care. If they come back here, they’ll see how much I want you, Arthur. How much you want me. Couldn’t even fucking wait till we got inside a stall. Such a slut, Arthur.”

He bites down on Arthur’s now purpling neck, and Arthur muffles his shout with his hand.

“They’ll see how slick you are, pushing your ass out for more. You want my cock in you, don’t you?”

Merlin, as he finds out, has a dominant side. Something Arthur does not mind at all.

“Merlin, I swear to God if you come from humping me, I’m never talking to you again.”

“Ask me. _Beg_ me, Arthur.”

Arthur’s knees give out at Merlin’s voice; dropped two octaves, right at his ear, hand still on his cock and body no longer moving.

“Please, Merlin. Fuck me. Make me yours. Let’s give them a show. _Please_.”

And so Merlin fucks Arthur in the back of a pharmacy, whispering his name with fervor and meaning with every thrust he gives Arthur.

If the clerk who checks them out is red-faced and has a suspicious stain on his pants when Merlin and Arthur leave, no one has to talk about it.

And while they do have hard, fast, and quite risqué sex, Arthur and Merlin are no strangers to the kind of sex that leaves them in tears for the rest of the night. One such night is when Merlin tells Arthur about Will.

It’s April, just the beginning of spring break for Leon and Morgana, so Arthur takes Merlin and Leon to the gardens one weekend afternoon since spring is almost in full bloom. Leon runs around the gardens, chasing the butterflies and smelling the flowers, but Merlin, Arthur notices, strolls along like an old man who stops at every new batch of flowers. He strokes the petals, inhales the scent like someone who won’t get to see it again. And after that realization, Arthur grips Merlin’s hand and goes the same pace for the rest of the afternoon. Later that night, with Leon conveniently gone to a friend’s house for a sleepover, Arthur wakes up in the middle of the night to find Merlin sitting by the window, shoulders shaking and tears reflecting the pale moon.

“Merlin, love, what’s wrong? Are you all right?”

But instead of an answer, he sees Merlin stiffen and take a few deep breaths before he walks back over to the bed, smile on his face.

“Fine. Sorry. I couldn’t sleep. I think it was the allergies from today,” he says as he snuggles into the covers, back to Arthur. But Arthur won’t take it. So he turns over and slides on top of Merlin.

“I don’t buy it.”

Merlin frowns. “Really, Arthur I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”

They stare at each other for a few moments, and when Arthur realizes he’s not getting an answer out of Merlin, he rolls off, grabs his pillow and starts to make his way downstairs.

“Arthur, wait!” Merlin says when he opens the door.

He lets himself a small smile before he turns back around to face Merlin, who suddenly looks like a child.

“Merlin, I want to be here for you, _care_ for you, but how can I when you won’t let me in? You’ve helped me open up to you. All I want is for you to do the same.”

Merlin pats the bed, so Arthur goes over and wraps his arms around his boyfriend, leaning back against the headboard and waits.

“Will was the only friend I’ve ever had. In college, after you left, he helped me…cope with it, I guess. Don’t laugh, okay? I know we barely knew each other, but I really liked you.”

But Arthur only kisses the top of his head and pulls him in tighter.

“He knew that spring was my favorite season, so he asked me what I loved best about you. Your eyes, because no matter how you’re feeling, they’re a brilliant blue and they sparkle when you talk about something you’re passionate about. Your hair, because even in the rain, it would shine and it made my day so much better. Your…your lips, because…heh…they’re always pouty except when you smile. They glow when you smile, even more when you laugh. And, at the time, I’d only seen you blush once, but God, Arthur, I…”

Arthur can’t breathe at this point. He knew Merlin loved him, but to this degree? He could’ve never imagined it. He leans down and kisses Merlin, hard and messy, because he loves Merlin too. And he wants so much to find the time so he can tell Merlin exactly what he loves about him.

“It’s what made me fall for you in the first place,” Merlin says when they break apart, forehead to forehead.

“So Will, one day after spring break, brought me to the college garden. I had no idea why he’d brought me there. But in the ground, the bugger planted azaleas, daffodils, tulips and pink roses. And I swear to God, Arthur, it was like you were there. It was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. And it was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. It helped me too. I was back to being the bright, annoying genius Will said I was.

He was there when I fainted and when I found out about my condition. He said, ‘God, you really are a girl, aren’t you? Pendragon went and broke your heart and you just let it break?’ My mum smacked him so hard his nose started to bleed, but I was laughing until I fell off of the bed. I don’t think my mother ever forgave him for that.

One of the treatments was by blood transfusion— since the disease had only just started, if I got enough of the right blood, it might’ve gone away. But after four years, I’d gotten eleven transfusions and the disease kept coming back. Apparently they forgot to check how much the blood matches mine—they were all low concentrations. The highest correlation transfusion I had was 63%. Then Will found out that he had the same blood type as me and had a 92% correlation and was all for doing it.”

Merlin’s breathing increased, and Arthur could see the sweat forming on his brow.

“Hey,” he said as he kissed the side of Merlin’s head. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Arthur’s chest constricted as he felt Merlin take a deep breath and continue. “They forgot he was allergic to iodine. _Forgot_! How can doctors forget something like that, Arthur?! He went into anaphylactic shock, but it was too late. He died. He—he died! He was engaged! They were supposed to be married two months from then. Two fucking months! And he died because of me, Arthur! Because he tried to protect me! Because I let him in. Because I let him care for me.”

Merlin turns around in Arthur’s arms and holds his face as he speaks.

“I love you, Arthur. But I would rather die right now than to see you protect me from what I have. It’s my burden to bare alone. Not my mother’s and not yours. It wasn’t Will’s either. The _last_ think I want is for you to—”

But Arthur shuts him up with a kiss. Merlin tries to pull away, but Arthur uses his tongue, licking inside of Merlin’s mouth, slow enough for a burn, but fast enough so Merlin wouldn’t pull away. He kept kissing, arms running up and down Merlin’s back, soothing him, letting him know he’s okay. But then Merlin grabs Arthur’s hair and lets go, so Arthur drops his hands and pushes Merlin onto the bed.

“Now the truth? Before I leave what I’m about to start?” Arthur asks.

“I’m scared, Arthur. I’m so scared.” He breaks down in sobs, clinging to Arthur, grabbing at his shirt and pulling him closer and closer until there’s no where to go, and Arthur can’t help but do the same.

_Me too,_ Arthur thinks as he pulls away from Merlin to kiss him. _Me too_.

It’s a terrible kiss, faces wet and tears falling everywhere. Their lips are shaking, unable to find a rhythm, but it’s still perfect. Their hands are in each other’s hair, trailing along the back of the neck, only to pull each other closer together.

Arthur breaks the kiss then and keeps Merlin pinned to the bed.

“Now listen very carefully to me, Merlin. I. _Love_. You. I don’t know how you can miss that when I say it at least twice everyday and with those overly large ears of yours. But I can change that. I can whisper it to you every day, whenever you’re with me. When we argue about what movie to watch. When we cook dinner together for Leon. When we go to the park and play Frisbee. When we’re in bed and you’re fucking me. But right now, I’m going to say it to you while I fuck you.”

Merlin’s breathing is erratic now and he’s squirming underneath Arthur’s grip, but his eyes don’t leave Arthur’s.

“You love me. You plant flowers for me. You let me hog the blankets. You let me be right when we both know I’m clearly wrong. You discipline me when I need it, but you let me be a prat when I want to. You helped me open up to you, Merlin. You helped me, no, you helped my _family_ become one again, and you were there for me through every part of it. It’s _my_ turn,” Arthur growls. He bites Merlin’s neck, then licks down where his collarbone peeks out from his neon green shirt and looks up at Merlin as he inches down. He lifts up his shirt and kisses his stomach and smirks when Merlin’s belly concaves at the touch.

“Let me help you, Merlin. I want to be there for you. I want to hold your hand and I want to protect you.”

He continues to lick and nip at Merlin’s stomach, and when he gets to his nipples, he licks a circle and then blows on it.

Merlin gasps and arches, erection brushing against Arthur’s stomach.

“Let me _love_ you, Merlin. Why can’t you let me do that?”

Arthur pulls off Merlin’s shirt and laps at his other nipple, letting one of his hands slide down the middle of Merlin’s stomach. But Merlin’s hand stops Arthur’s when it reaches the tip of his boxers. He grabs Arthur’s face and pulls him back up, eyes locked in Arthur’s.

“Because I’m going to lose you, Arthur. And I don’t want to hurt you when I die.”

“I would rather you hurt me then than now, Merlin. Here, now? This is all I want from you if that’s all you can give me. I’ll take it without a second thought. But the thought of you being away from me while you’re going through this…it hurts worse than the thought of you dying.”

Merlin’s eyes spill over with fresh tears, and Arthur laps them up as he trails his fingers down Merlin’s throat, stomach and finally to the tip of his boxers. He lets his hand slide in and grasps Merlin’s cock with a gentle grip, pulling slightly as he dips his tongue into Merlin’s mouth.

Their tongues meet and Merlin’s hands end up tangling in Arthur’s hair, threading his fingers through it, and Arthur can feel a slight smile on his lips as he does it again and again. So Arthur tightens his grip on Merlin’s cock and gives a hard tug, and Merlin gasps and lurches up into Arthur’s hand.

“Let me make you feel good, Merlin. Let me show you how much I love you.”

“You don’t need to have sex with me to show me how much you love me, Arthur.”

Arthur pulls back at that, kind of offended, but he looks up to see Merlin’s smirk as his hand trails down Arthur’s chest.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Only if you can,” Merlin retorts. But the cheeky bastard grabs Arthur’s hips and flips them over so Merlin is on top. He takes off both of their boxers and throws them over while reaching for the lube and condom, but Arthur stops him.

“Do you actually want to stop, Arthur?”

“No, you idiot. I want…I want to do it bare. I want to feel inside you, Merlin.”

He sees Merlin swallow, but he starts to laugh as Merlin, quite dramatically, throws the condom over his shoulder and attacks Arthur’s mouth with vigor only seen in bad pornos.

“Merlin, wha—”

“Shut up and let me kiss you, Arthur.”

So Arthur lets him have his fun as he starts to play with Merlin’s backside. He plants his pointer finger over Merlin’s hole and rubs at the crease, and when Merlin starts to grind against his cock, Arthur prods at the hole.

“Uhhhn, Arthur. Fuck.”

“Merlin, faster. Come on.”

So Merlin moves his hips faster, cock against cock. It’s dry, but the kisses and looks Merlin gives him more than make up for it.

Merlin’s moans and gasps grow deeper and longer as Arthur’s finger goes in deeper and deeper. He’s three fingers in when Merlin grabs for the lube, but before he can open the tube, Arthur snatches it from him and flips them over again.

“I told you, Merlin. I’m going to fuck you tonight. Nice and slow. I’ll pin your hands down if I have to.”

“Promise?” And there’s that smirk again. So Arthur gets up from the bed and goes to his closet to get two belts. And when he holds them up, he chuckles as he sees Merlin’s cock jump.

Arthur props one knee up on the bed so his cock is in Merlin’s face as he tightens the belt strap. He can see Merlin try to bring his face closer to it so he can lick it, but Arthur taunts him.

“You want to taste my cock, Merlin? You want to lick it? Get it all nice and wet for me before I fuck you hard?”

“Yes, Arthur, yes. Please.”

Arthur moves his cock towards Merlin’s lips and lets him put the head in his mouth, sucking on it. Merlin’s tongue swivels around the tip, licking at the slit and pre-come before Arthur takes it out again. And Merlin _whines_.

“Arthur, no. Wait. Please let me do this. I want to suck your cock so bad, baby.”

Arthur’s made his way around to the other side of the bed, knee propped up again as he tightens the belt around Merlin’s other wrist.

“No. You don’t believe me. I’ve tied you to this bed, and now I’m going to fuck you—no. I’m going to make love to you, Merlin.”

Merlin’s eyes go wide and glisten with tears again as he swallows down whatever emotions he’s hiding.

Arthur goes to the foot of the bed and slowly crawls onto it, slowly tracing up Merlin’s legs; kissing the calves, licking his thighs, biting at the V.

“A-A-Arthur, a-ah! Arthur, what—uhh. Oh fuck. Arthur.”

“Let’s see if your sarcasm can handle that.”

“Sarcasm? What sarcasm?”

Arthur smirks and noses at Merlin’s balls. He licks once, softly, and then licks a trail to the tip of his cock while he ruts against the bed.

“Fuck, Arthur. You look so hot like that, love. Look at you, you little slut. Uhn yeah, baby. Just like that. Faster, Arthur.”

Arthur slips Merlin’s cock into his mouth and lets Merlin fuck into his mouth. It feels so good that Merlin’s letting go, letting his hips cant upwards without regret or finesse. He’s so desperate for it. It makes Arthur moan and writhe against the sheets even more as he rubs up and down Merlin’s legs.

“Fuck, Arthur. Yes. _Yes._ Just like that, c’mon.”

Arthur lets Merlin thrust three more times before he takes off his mouth and starts licking again, reveling in the sounds Merlin makes.

“A-ah. Mmm. Oh yeah. Fuck, Arthur. You’re so greedy; look at you. Fuck you’re so motherfucking hot, Arthur. Yeah.”

Soon, Arthur’s tongue sweeps underneath Merlin’s balls and he starts kissing at Merlin’s hole. He licks a few times before he looks up at Merlin through his lashes. Merlin’s eyes are closed and his head is all the way back

“Arthur. If you look at me like that, I’m going to come right now. Right fucking now. Make love to me before I die right here.”

Arthur’s more alert at that, and as soon as Merlin realizes what he says, his eyes shoot open and he mouths _come here_.

Arthur crawls up and looks into Merlin’s eyes and stares.

“I’m not going anywhere, Merlin,” he says as he rests their foreheads together.

“I know. I love you.”

“I know. I love _you_.”

“Show me,” Merlin whispers.

Arthur brings their lips together and gives away all that he can with every kiss he takes. Their tongues are sliding together and Arthur’s hands are roaming Merlin’s squirming body. When Arthur reaches back to finger at Merlin’s hole again, Merlin jerks his hips up and brings their cocks together. They break their kiss as a gasp escapes Merlin’s mouth, and while Arthur is kissing Merlin’s neck, he can taste the rivers of salt falling from his eyes. Arthur kisses Merlin’s neck, biting hard and licking them better. He bites at his chest, stomach, thighs and when he finds Merlin’s hole, he licks it till it’s sore, but Arthur’s tears still fall.

When he finally is inside Merlin, their eyes are locked, tears spilling as Arthur makes the first thrust, in and out. In and out. Merlin’s clear blue eyes don’t blink like the first time they met. They glaze over, taking in every inch of Arthur’s face, feeling the warmth inside of him, filling him up.

Arthur keeps their foreheads together, letting his tears fall in pools on Merlin’s shoulder.

“I’m not ready for you to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

And when the light from the dawn comes in, Merlin sees the golden shine come off of his lover’s tears. He kisses them away as he wraps his arms around him.

He says to his heart, “I’m not going anywhere.”

*****

“Merlin?”

“Hmm?”

“I think my mother is going to kill you.”

Merlin chuckles. “I’ll be dead before she would actually do anything to harm me, Arthur. Come on. You know your mother better than I do.”

“Well, could you at least go tell her to stop yelling at the poor doctor? She’s grown purple in the face.”

“Mmm.”

“Merlin, what are you doing? You’re not even paying attention.”

Arthur turns away from the hospital room window to see Merlin hiding something underneath his pillow.

“Nothing.”

“You know, you’re a really bad liar for someone who had such a big secret,” he says as he makes his way over to the bed.

“Yeah, well you’re a really big dollophead for someone who’s so gorgeous.”

Arthur crosses his arms across his chest. “What did Leon and I say about making up new words, Merlin?”

“That I shouldn’t?”

“Exactly.”

“That’s too bad. Because I made up that word just for you.”

Arthur leans his face closer to Merlin’s. “Oh really?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“And what does it mean?”

“Gorgeous asshat.”

“I love you too, Merlin.”

Merlin leans up for a kiss, but Arthur's mother storms in, tears flowing and hands flailing in a rampage.

“After everything you’ve done for us, Merlin, every fucking thing, you didn’t think it was important to tell us that you were going to die?! What is going on in that idiotic brain of yours?”

“Ygraine…”

“Don’t _Ygraine_ me, Merlin. You don’t have the right anymore. I can’t believe that we found out because you fainted at our barbeque.  And now the doctor is saying you could be gone any min—” but she breaks down in sobs before she can finish her sentence.

Merlin smiles, but his hand is gripping Arthur’s like a lifeline. “Ygraine, I haven’t been alone. This past year and a half have been the best of my life. I have a whole new family, and they all love me for being my nosy ass self. If I told you from the beginning that I was dying, do you think we would’ve done half the stuff that we did? You all would treat me like a fucking porcelain doll! That’s the last thing I wanted. And what’s worse is when I began to love you all. I didn’t think I’d love you as much as I do. You’re a second mother to me, Ygraine. And like with my mother, it hurts me to see you cry.”

“Oh, Merlin. I can’t—I love you too, sweet boy.”

She lunges at Merlin and pulls him into a hug, letting her snot and tears fall on his hospital gown. But he’s not shedding a tear.

___

“I hate you.”

“You really don’t, Morgana.”

“Yes, I do. Don’t fucking tell me who I can and can’t hate. You don’t have the right anymore.”

Merlin strokes her cheek, tucking a strand of long, black hair behind her ear. Morgana’s upper lip quivers.

“You’re just like your mother.”

She drops the act and hugs him like she’s never going to see him again. But still, he’s not shedding a tear.

___

“So, you got your wish in the end, huh Marvin?”

“Shut up, Gwaine,” say Merlin and Arthur.

“What? I’m just saying.”

Gwaine turns around to leave, but turns back to say,

“So, when you’re dead, can I have all of your recipes?”

Arthur chases Gwaine around the room while Merlin’s laughing so hard, he nearly falls off of the bed.

But no; no tears.

___

“Draw 4, Merlin.”

“C’mon, Leon! I’m about to die, but you’re gonna make me lose?”

“Dad, give Merlin more cards,” Leon says, completely ignoring Merlin. “The more he gets, the longer he’ll live. He can’t die without finishing a game of Uno, right?”

His voice is shaky and he drops his cards when Merlin pulls him in tight, squeezing him like he’s a teddy bear.

“I’ll never forget you, little man.”

His eyes shine over, but still not a tear.

___

“What are you writing?”

“A story.”

“About?”

“Feelings.”

“Ew.”

“I know.”

Merlin puts down the pen, Uther’s pen, after one last sentence, closes the book, and hands it to Arthur.

“Read it later.”

Arthur nods his head and puts the book on the table behind him.

“You wanna know my favorite part about spring?” Merlin asks as Arthur climbs into the bed with him.

“Hmm.”

“It’s all the butterflies. They change from the ugly caterpillars to something so beautiful, you know? They just get fatter and fatter till the winter, and you think they’d give up because their life is so hard. So many predators, not enough help to get through it all. But in the spring, they leave their problems behind in a fucking cocoon. And they fly away to a better place. There were tons of butterflies at your garden, you know. I would go every day to water them, soil them and what not. And one day, during spring time, I saw a butterfly come out from a cocoon on my flower. It was trying so hard. I almost helped it, but I remembered reading something that said if you touch a butterfly’s wings before it’s had a chance to fly, it can die. And when it flew away…God Arthur, there were dew drops on its wings and the sun was high. When I looked up at it, I swear to God I saw your face that day.”

“Merlin…”

Arthur stares at Merlin’s neck, waiting for him to answer as he stares out the window.

“You know, they told me last spring that I wouldn’t live to see the next one. It’s my favorite season.”

“Don’t leave me,” Arthur says forcefully, swallowing around tears he swore wouldn’t fall. “Please don’t leave me.”

Merlin closes his eyes as he turns to face Arthur. His lips are blue and face pale, but his weak hands still grab Arthur’s face with as much fervor as the first time they made love. And just like that first time, Arthur breaks. But Merlin’s there to fix him.

“I’m not going anywhere. Think of me in the spring, and I’ll be there.”

Arthur looks at Merlin’s now open eyes and sees tears fall, ten for every one he held in. So he closes his eyes and kisses Merlin until his lips stop moving. Arthur pulls back then, eyes still closed, and sees a garden in springtime.

_I love you_.

 

 

 

***Epilogue***

“Dad! Let’s go! Morgana, Freya, Gwaine and Gram are already there!”

“I’m coming, Leon. Jeez, you make me sound like I’m 80-years-old. I’m not dillydallying.”

“You might as well be dillydallying. Maybe Merlin was wrong about you oversleeping. It might make you feel better, but you do move a lot slower.”

“Yeah, well, I would rather feel better than move faster and get a crick in my neck.”

“See? 80-years-old.”

Arthur looks up at Leon. He’s tall for an 18-year-old. He sees features of his mother, even some of himself, but the thing that gets to him the most are his eyes. They’re blue and full of mischief and sarcasm like Merlin’s.

“Yeah, yeah. Just get in the car. And try not to run over the mail box this time.”

They all meet at the community gardens every spring for Merlin. They all have their own sections. Ygraine and Hunith plant daisies—the flowers Hunith and Merlin used to tend to in his childhood. Freya, Gwaine, Leon and Morgana plant the four flours Merlin planted for Arthur—they still tease him relentlessly about how infatuated Merlin was with Arthur. He hates them but loves them for it.

Arthur, though, watches the gardens for butterflies as he sits against a wall, opening up and reading the book Merlin left for him. He’s read it every time he’s come here. But today, he’s feeling especially nostalgic, so he opens up to his favorite page.

_I feel like today’s my last day, and I’m trying to think of words to say to him. But I don’t think, even if I’d had a whole life time, I would be able to say it all to him. The words ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ seem too little to say for what he’s given me. But all I can think of when I want to say something to him is about that butterfly._

_It was just for a second, but I saw his face in the wings of that butterfly. I saw his face exactly like it was a couple weeks ago—we were on the couch and watching Mulan. Leon fell asleep, but I farted really loud and I cupped it to bring to his face. He fell back on the couch and I leaned over him to smother him with a pillow, but he threw his hands up at my face and said, “Stop, Merlin, please!” as he was laughing._

_I didn’t see anything but happiness then. And even now, I see nothing but happiness. I get to die in the arms of someone who loves me as much as I love him. And that’s all I ever wanted._

_Arthur, if you’re reading this, just know that I could die and come back a hundred times, but I still couldn’t tell you how much you mean to me. We could be immortal, but even with every passing day, I stillcouldn’t tell you. I miss you already, you dollophead. You’ll be fine without me. I, obviously, couldn’t live without you._

_But remember to think of me in the spring, and I’ll be there for you._

_With all of my (weak-ass, but most definitely yours) heart,_

_Merlin_

 

And just like every time he reads that page, he’s in tears and clutching his heart.

“I want to hear your voice, Merlin. Tell me you still love me.”

Leon’s face shows up, suddenly. Right in front of his own. Leon wipes the tears away, but his own are showing up on the brim.

“I need to show you something.”

And there, on the stem of azaleas, was a cocoon. It was opening. The little legs were trying their best to push at the shell, but it was so hard. Arthur moved his hand to help out the little guy, when all of a sudden, a flash of blue flew across his face. He lifts his hand and sees the dew drops on the wings of the [new butterfly](https://dncache-mauganscorp.netdna-ssl.com/thumbseg/1226/1226503-bigthumbnail.jpg).

“Merlin?”

It flutters away, high into the sky. And when Arthur looks up at it, he sees a flash of sun and Merlin’s face—bright and obnoxious grin—with a wink.

And softly, he hears the butterfly’s wings beat.

_I love you too_.

 

~~~

**Author's Note:**

> OMGEEEEEEEEEE I'M STILL CRYING
> 
> I hope y’all liked the story! If I’m honest, this fic is one of my favorites that I’ve written. And also, the ending very nearly killed me. Like, I had a literal debate in my mind for like ever about how I should end it, and though it killed me to kill Merlin, I feel like it was the best? I don’t know!! What I do know is that my heart was literally pooping out of my mouth. Um…but yeah! So that’s that! I’m currently taking classes for a graduate certificate (yay!) and doing an internship (YAY!), so I may not be updating a lot, but I will be writing to keep myself sane, so maybe there’ll be a short fic soon? 
> 
> But for now, thank you guys so much for reading along with all of my stories and dealing with my weirdness! 
> 
> Also, if I’ve offended anyone in this fic, I am truly sorry. It was unintentional, but please do let me know so I can fix the issue!
> 
> As always, please leave kudos, a comment or a critique on my fic if you feel up for it! I’m always up for fixing things :3 I hope y’all have a beautiful day! <333


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